24. My Top Feedback Tips for New Leaders
Giving feedback is a huge part of being a leader. The only way to help your team improve is to give concise feedback on a regular basis. We’ve spoken before about how to speak so people listen, but it’s time to dive deep into feedback specifically because this is a super-common sticking point for my clients.
Like so many new leaders, I struggled with giving feedback. We’re people pleasers and perfectionists, so we want to get it right every time and avoid a negative reaction from the person we’re giving feedback to. However, if you want the other person to get better or change their patterns, you need to be clear and explicit about what you want in this situation.
Tune in this week to discover everything you need to know about giving feedback. I’m giving you my tips, discussing how to build the kind of trusting foundation that makes delivering feedback easier for everyone involved, and showing you how to explore and implement these strategies on your leadership journey.
If you don’t have the time or budget for ongoing coaching but you’re ready to jumpstart your success in your new leadership role, you don’t want to miss my new offer, The Leadership Accelerator. It includes a 90-minute kick-start session, and at the end of this session, you’re going to get a report detailing your strengths and how you can best use them in your role. You’ll also have set a clear goal and some action-steps to take over the next 30 days, two follow-up 30-minute sessions with me, as well as unlimited support on Voxer throughout the month. Click here to get started!
What You’ll Learn From This Episode:
How most new leaders struggle to give feedback in the early days of their leadership role.
Why giving feedback to someone can be a stressful experience for both parties.
Some practical tips and advice you can implement around giving feedback.
Why people actually want to receive feedback from their leaders.
How giving regular feedback gives you a deeper understanding of how your other people work.
The importance of giving positive feedback regularly, as well as constructive feedback.
How to experiment as you explore new methods of providing feedback.
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Full Episode Transcript:
Today, we're going to be talking about feedback; my top tips on how to give it.
Welcome to The Confident Female Leader podcast. A space for ambitious women stepping into leadership who are ready to take control of their circumstances and own their magic. If you're ready to start shedding your self-doubt, come into your new identity as a leader, and stop consistently undervaluing yourself so you can feel more confident in your role, this show’s for you.
I'm Annie Framand, Psychologist, Certified Feminist Coach, and Master Trainer. I'm on a mission to help women just like you stop overworking, overthinking, and overpleasing, so you can start creating success on your terms. Ready to create your dream life? Let's go.
Hola amigas, how are you? I am doing really good. I'm planning a few short trips around Mexico with my love. We've been going to some Bachata classes. I've been continuing my salsa dancing, and it's been going really well. I also recently saw my Mexican friend, who only speaks Spanish. We actually went to see one of my love’s basketball games, because he's in the playoffs now; very proud of him. He is doing so good, and so is his team.
So, I was there with my friend, in the bleachers, and we were just chatting away in Spanish. I had recently danced with him, actually, there was a salsa social. It was kind of cool, because I was really able to express myself quite easily now, in this kind of the regular day-to-day conversation. We talked about salsa, we talked about basketball, about our childhoods, and things like that. I didn't even need to open up my phone one time, to look at the translator. We were talking about the past and the future and the present.
That was a big thing for me, because I've been learning verbs and different tenses. And it's not easy, let me tell you. So, he was also giving me some tips and helping me out. But it's great, because every time I see him, I can see my progress.
It's linked to our topic today, because I'm still fumbling, I'm still making mistakes, and he's still correcting me. But he understands me so much better now. I was actually asking him, “So is my salsa better than my Spanish now? Or is my Spanish better than my salsa?” It's kind of a running joke, because he never tells me which one is better. He's like, “Oh, you're progressing on both.” It's kind of a funny joke.
But we went dancing this weekend, I fumbled and I made a bunch of mistakes. And of course, that is part of the learning process. I've only been taking Spanish lessons with a teacher for six months now. And I've only been taking salsa dancing lessons for six months now. So, it is part of the process, right? You fumble, you make mistakes, and you keep going.
And so, today I want to talk about feedback. Because the only way to get better is to receive feedback, specific feedback constantly. We talked about how to communicate or how to speak so that people listen, on Episode 10. So today, I wanted to circle back and get really specific on feedback. Because that is something that I struggled with, that a lot of my clients struggle with, as well.
Because we're people pleasers, we are perfectionist, right? So, we want to get it right. We want to manage the other person's reaction. We don't want the other person to get upset. But really, when you think about feedback specifically. So, communications, as a whole, is one thing. But really, if we dial it down and look at feedback specifically, if you want the other person to get better, or to stop doing a thing that's not working, you need to tell them.
You need to tell them often, especially if they're learning a new skill, right? Think of yourself as a leader. You're listening to this podcast episode, you may be reading some books, you might be getting some internal coaching by some colleagues, your boss, or mentors. Whichever way you're learning leadership, you still have to apply it. And if you are not getting feedback, if nobody is telling you how you're doing, you have no idea.
It's kind of like getting dressed in the morning, you're not in front of a mirror, and you have no idea what color clothes you're wearing. Let's say that your eyes are closed, you don't know what colors your clothes are, or you don't have a mirror in front of you, like you can't even see. And so, you don't know if it fits right. You're getting dressed to the best of your ability. Or wearing your shirt and pants, let's say, but you don't know if it fits together.
So, it's the same thing for feedback. You need to have feedback from the mirror or from your eyes looking at the clothes, right? Do they fit together? What does this look like? And so, as I was taking a Bachata class, and it's a bit different than salsa obviously, it's a different style of dance. I noticed that the way that I was moving, my body was kind of like a T-Rex.
There's something called the Bachata wave or the body roll, and it's hard to explain if you haven't seen it. But really, it's a body movement where it's not a straight line, right? You're moving your body kind of in a wave, basically. And I really, honestly, looked as elegant as a T-Rex. It was terrible.
Then the teacher showed us once, and he's like, “Oh, just practice at home in front of a mirror.” But I was like, “I know my body is not doing what your body's doing.” It's very clear, and it's very apparent to me that if I keep practicing at home in front of a mirror, I'm just going to keep getting iterations of the wrong thing.
So, what I did is, I asked him to break it down for me, and to give me feedback, specifically on my body parts, how I needed to put them together. And so, he gave me a lesson. And then, as I was practicing in front of him over and over again, he was able to tell me what I was doing “wrong”. Where I was moving my body in the wrong way. Where I was out of line with the music, and things like that.
He was able to break down, in a simple way, a complex movement with lots of moving parts, for me to understand. But what I needed to do, is not only understand the movement, but also feel it in my body. And practice it in front of him so he could give me feedback on what I was doing well, and what I wasn't doing well, okay?
And then, as I progressively got it right more and more, he was able to give me both constructive feedback and positive feedback on, “Okay, you're doing this well. But now you need to adjust this body part.” And so then, after that process, I was able to practice in front of the mirror. And although I still don't look like an advanced Bachata dancer, which is normal, because I'm not, I am much better. And from this point forward, I can now start practicing on my own.
It's like anything, right? Same for learning Spanish, for example. I'm learning with a teacher and I've been practicing for six months, but if my friend that I'm chatting with doesn't tell me that the verb that I just used is in present tense, but I was describing my childhood, I will not know, I will not correct myself and I'm going to think that I said it correctly.
And so, it's the same thing with giving someone feedback, if you do not tell them that they're, for example, not being efficient in carrying out the task that you're asking them to do… Let's say they're doing two or three extra steps that they shouldn't be doing. Because when they took their training for their job, there was a misunderstanding, right? And they thought they had to do these two additional steps.
So, they're not necessarily maybe getting it wrong, but they're maybe not as efficient as they could be. If nobody tells them, if nobody notices and nobody tells them, they're going to keep doing this thing. And so, it's really important for you, as a leader, to give feedback so that people get better. And we think that once we tell someone something, that they've understood it and they're moving on.
But what we need to keep in mind, is that our minds are overloaded, especially in this day and age where there's an overload of information. Our minds are overloaded with information daily, by the hour and by the minute. And our brains can only retain five to seven pieces of information at a time.
So, if you're talking to someone, and they're thinking about their weekend, their kids, their spouse, their friends, what they're going to do after work, or another piece of the job… Let's say they're working on a very complex project, and you're giving them feedback on another project, they may just have this other project that they're super concerned about at the back of their mind, and they're just maybe not listening to you.
And so, we need to keep in mind that it's not because we tell someone once that they're necessarily going to retain the information that we're giving them, or they might understand. Like, my teacher would give me a couple of corrections, and I would understand what he told me. I would do it once or twice, but then when I put the whole movement together, I would forget what he told me at the beginning. Just because I'm learning, so I'm not used to integrating all of the movements at the same time.
It's kind of like playing golf, right? If you've ever played golf, you know that when you're learning, you have to look at the ball and bend your knees a certain way and then you have to swing the club a certain way. You have to hold your elbows a certain way. You have to look at the ball while you're swinging. And it's just a very uncomfortable movement of your hips and of transferring the weight and all those kinds of things.
And so, if you're not used to deconstructing that movement, you're probably not going to be hitting the ball very frequently. You’ve got to, for example, keep in mind that you have to keep looking at the ball. And then, once you've integrated that, then you can start moving your hips in a certain way. And then you can start transferring your weight, and then you can start, right? So, you're kind of layering the movements one on top of the other.
It's the same thing with giving feedback. You want to keep giving it because if the individual has to correct many things, which, you know what? We all do. What you're doing is you're layering the instructions and the feedback one on top of the other. So yeah, the person might be forgetting, once they've integrated all these movements, you might forget that you have to look at the ball, which was your first instruction, okay?
What I'm going to be doing, is kind of giving you a few simple steps that you're going to want to follow as you're giving feedback. But what I do want to say is that, often, as leaders, because we're scared of the other person's reaction, because often we don't know how to frame the feedback, we often don't give it as often as we should.
The first thing that I want to tell you is, you know what? You're probably going to look awkward, you're probably going to fumble, and it's probably going to take you many times, until you've found your own groove. So, I'm going to share some tips and things that worked for me and my clients. But you're going to have to experiment with it and see what works for you. Kind of like for me, with my teacher teaching me the Bachata wave. It needs to work in my body, and until I've found my groove, I need to just keep practicing it. Tt's the same thing, right?
Just keep in mind that it's probably not going to be super elegant at first, and you might be fumbling and searching for your words. And that is part of the process, and it's normal. I'm just going to give you a few steps here that you want to keep in mind. But the really the important thing here, is just keep giving feedback, keep practicing. And by feedback, I mean both, obviously, the constructive feedback to help people do better or modify certain behaviors, or just be more efficient.
And also, the positive feedback because you want to reinforce what they are doing well as well. Okay, first step is you want to be building trusting relationships as a foundation. This is something that you want to be doing before the feedback. I'm going to give you some tips on how to actually deliver the feedback, but there are some before and after tips.
The first one is build trusting relationships. Because if as a foundation you have a trusting relationship, it is going to be a lot easier for you to say what you want to say, and for the other person to hear what you need them to hear. Really, just make sure that you have this trusting foundation with the other person. And actually, establishing trust comes with communication. So, the more you are communicating with people, the more you are speaking honestly, the more you are opening the channel of communication.
Again, listen to podcast, episode number 10 first, if you haven't. And the more you are able to listen to the other person, the more frequently you're in touch with individuals, that you check in with them, the more you know them, the more you know about them, the more you will be able to build this trusting relationship with them. The more they share things with you, the more you share things with them, the easier it will be for you to be honest, and to give them feedback when things need to be corrected.
And also, to take the time to give them positive feedback, because that's really the foundation. Is taking the time to build that trusting relationship with people. And that comes with time, for sure. But it also comes with actions. And one of the really simple actions, is when you say something and deliver on it. So, no fake promises; it happens, we're human. But what you want to do is don't over promise, right?
Don't say things that you know you won't be able to deliver on. That kind of is the foundation; be truthful with people and deliver on what you say you're going to deliver on. So, that's the foundation. And then always opening up that two-way communication.
Then when you go to actually give the feedback, what you want to do is to be clear on your intentions. Why are you giving that person this piece of feedback? Why is it important for you to say this thing? And reconnecting with our ‘why’ is super important. Because if you're having that discussion with the other individual, sometimes it is difficult. They're not always easy conversations. And so, you want to be clear on why you are sharing this information with them.
For example, it could be as simple as, “Hey, you know what? I know you're learning this new task,” this new project, this new role. “And I just want to help you. I want to support you. And part of that, is to help you get better, faster, potentially. I'm going to be giving you feedback. I'm going to help you correct what maybe you might be doing wrong in the beginning. Which is normal because you're learning. And so, I want to give you as much feedback as I can, as quickly as I can, so that you learn.”
That could be the ‘why’ of your feedback. And what I have seen in my experience, is people actually want to receive feedback so they can get better. The issue is, often as leaders, we hesitate to give it so we wait, we wait, we wait. We don't know how, we’re people pleasing, we're afraid of the reaction, etcetera. So, we wait too long.
And then when we deliver the feedback, it becomes a big deal. And then it is hard for the other person to receive because we waited too long to tell them. It's harder for them to correct them, the longer we wait. If we give them specific feedback on things that they can correct right away, and quickly, it's going to be a lot easier for us to deliver it, and it's going to be a lot easier for them to receive it.
Okay, so be clear on your intentions. The ‘why’ could be to help them get better at a new task. The other ‘why’ could be they need to correct a behavior. Let's say they're doing their job really well, but they're not being a team player. They're not helping out other team members, they're finishing early because they've finished their task, but other people are struggling and they need help. Because let's say, the files that they're working on are more complex. And they need help.
And this person is just checking out and leaving, and not asking if anyone else needs help. Or they're late in giving their part of the project, and so other people, that are working on the next steps are suffering. Because this individual is always late in the tasks that he or she needs to be doing. So, there's a behavior or an action that needs to be corrected, in order for the team to function more efficiently, or that individual to function more efficiently.
It could also be, it's not the first time you're giving this person this feedback. And your intention here could be, “You know what? Actually, there's an issue here and it needs to be corrected, or else there will be consequences.” Maybe the individual will be suspended, maybe they're going to be demoted, maybe you're going to need to let go of them.
You may be further down the road of the feedback process. So, you need to be clear on, “Is this the first time I'm chatting with them on this?” Is it the second, third, the fourth time? Where are you also, in this process with them?
Now, the other thing that you want to keep in mind is, what is actually the problem? Here, you want to be clear and direct with the individual on what the problem is, and why it's a problem. For example, you're late in delivering your part of the project, it's impacting the team. So, that is clear. “You're two days late, you're one day late, we agreed on this timeline,” that kind of thing.
Then number four, is you want to be honest, and speak from the heart. Why do I share this? Is because, again, it helps to build trusting relationships. If you're just telling the person, “Hey, listen, there's an issue here. In order for us to function effectively as a team, everyone needs to be delivering their part of the work on time. So, we're having an issue here, I've noticed, or it's been brought to my attention, that you've been delivering your part late. Help me understand what's going on.”
That's kind of our fifth step, is asking questions to understand what the issue or issues are. Listening to the other person and their point of view and what's going on for them, that also builds trust. And exploring potential issues and also potential solutions, together.
And so, you'll want to ask questions. My favorite ones are, “Help me understand.” You can ask the person, “What do you think the problem is? What do you think the issue is?” So, let's say this person is always late in this project, in submitting their part of the project. And they might tell you,” Hey, listen, yes, I'm always late. But it’s because I'm waiting for this other person before me. And they're late giving it to me.” You may not have known that part. Right?
And it may be true, and then you're going to have to investigate further what the issue is. It might be that this individual tells you, “Hey, you know what? Yeah, I'm late. You're right. And it's because this task that we thought would take three days, is actually taking four days. There's no way I can do it faster.” So there, you're going to have to explore.
Let's say they tell you that, then you might say, “Okay, so break it down for me.” And they may actually be right, that is taking longer than you and they had estimated. Maybe it's taking longer because they're new at the task. Maybe it's taking longer because they're slower. Some people are faster, some people are slower.
And maybe it's just taking longer because they're learning. Maybe it's taking longer because they're doing a bunch of other stuff for other people. Maybe they're not telling their coworkers no on other projects, or people from other teams. So, you want to investigate.
Let's say it's true, it's taking four days instead of three, what is the actual issue? And is that something that this person can do about it? Or is there not something this person can do about it? Was it actually an underestimation of resources? Or can it be corrected?
But you really want to listen to the person, because as leaders, let's say you're leading six people, ten people, four people, however many people you are leading, you're not in their day-to-day job. So, you want to understand what's going on. And then you want to brainstorm solutions, as well.
Also, I'd always go into those conversations being like, “There's probably something I'm missing.” That would be my premise, is there's probably something I'm missing, which would bring me into an actual exploration mode, instead of being like, “Okay, this person's in the wrong. They're late. There's a task that's not being done. It needs to be corrected.”
I would come into those conversations being like, “Hey, I'm probably missing something. So, help me understand what's going on. Let's see, from your point of view, what the issues are” And often there was something I was missing, and sometimes no. But at least I would come into it with an open mind, which is really the way that you want to come into feedback. And that will help you relieve the pressure.
I think those are the two main things. Often, I know as a leader, I used to put so much pressure on myself before I gave feedback, at first. And then I removed the pressure by telling myself, “You know what? They won't learn if I don't tell them what needs to be corrected.” Right?
Coming back to my salsa and Bachata example, and Spanish, I won't learn as fast or as well as I could, if nobody's telling me when I'm making a mistake when I say something. So, approaching the feedback from a standpoint of a growth mindset of, “I'm only helping the person to learn, and therefore they're going to be a better team member. And they're going to grow faster, if I tell them specifically and often.”
And the second thing is having an open mindset as you're coming into those conversations will also help to remove the pressure from you. It will also remove kind of the hierarchy of ‘I'm giving you feedback. I'm telling you what's wrong’ kind of thing, so it equalizes both parties.
And you're having a conversation with them. You'd be like, “Hey, you know what? there's an issue here. Did you see this issue? Yes, you did as well, great. What could we do about it? What are some things that you suggest that could be done?” And then you're having a conversation.
Now, of course, if it's the fifth time that it's happened, it's very different. Now, we're talking more about disciplinary action. And we're talking about, “Hey, you know what? We've talked five times about this thing, it hasn't changed. We brainstorm solutions you haven't implemented them (or you tried,) but it's still not working. There's an issue now.”
Then it becomes more of an authoritarian situation, where you need to make some decisions about that individual. But other than that, if you're earlier in the steps of giving the feedback, then it really is more of an open dialogue where you're just helping them grow and become a better person and a better team member.
So, that is what I had for you today. I want to share something with you, I'm going to be starting some new projects that I am super excited about. I'm going to be taking a break from this podcast, just for now.
My mission with this podcast, was to help women who were newly promoted in their leadership role. To give them knowledge and also some practical tips to help them find their footing in their new role. And so hopefully, this podcast has helped you do that. Hopefully it was valuable for you.
And if so, please feel free to share this podcast with a woman you know who is also a new leader. You have 24 episodes that you can come back to at any time, and I will be still sharing some leadership tools and tips on my social media so you can follow me there. And as well, you can get on my email list if you want any tools and tips to drop into your inbox once a week.
If you want to do that, please follow me on social media, the links will be in the show notes. You can also get on my email list there. It will be a pleasure for me to connect on social media, and to keep communicating with you and sharing some of my best leadership tips.
Thank you so much for listening everyone and have a great week.
Hey, ladies, I have a new offer that I’m super excited about. It’s called The Leadership Accelerator. I created this offer for new leaders, and no so new leaders, who’ve tried navigating expert to leader on their own but who just can seem to figure it out.
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And to help you achieve your goal drama-free, you get two 30-minute follow-up sessions; one halfway through the month, and one at the end. And in these sessions, I help you stay on track and remove any blocks that stand in the way of you reaching your goal.
Now, the best part of this offer is that you get unlimited support for 30 days. So, for example, let's say that you've been working on a presentation for your boss, and you've been really agonizing over that presentation that you have to make. Overthinking every single word because you're afraid of how other people are going to react. Now what you could do, is you can send me the presentation and I'm going to give you feedback on it, the same day.
So, no more wasting time procrastinating, looking at your screen, or chasing the words in your head. You have access to me for a month whenever you're feeling stuck in the moment. Whenever you need to write an email. Whenever you need a sounding board for a decision, at any time. It's like having a coach in your pocket. Seriously, I wish I had that when I became a leader. It really would have saved me so much time and energy.
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Thanks for listening to The Confident Female Leader podcast. Ready to dismantle the patriarchy with me? Come say “Hi” at AnnieFramand.com to learn more about how you can take this work deeper and apply what you're learning.
Welcome to The Confident Female Leader podcast. A space for ambitious women stepping into leadership who are ready to take control of their circumstances and own their magic. If you're ready to start shedding your self-doubt, come into your new identity as a leader, and stop consistently undervaluing yourself so you can feel more confident in your role, this show’s for you.
I'm Annie Framand, Psychologist, Certified Feminist Coach, and Master Trainer. I'm on a mission to help women just like you stop overworking, overthinking, and overpleasing, so you can start creating success on your terms. Ready to create your dream life? Let's go.
Hola amigas, how are you? I am doing really good. I'm planning a few short trips around Mexico with my love. We've been going to some Bachata classes. I've been continuing my salsa dancing, and it's been going really well. I also recently saw my Mexican friend, who only speaks Spanish. We actually went to see one of my love’s basketball games, because he's in the playoffs now; very proud of him. He is doing so good, and so is his team.
So, I was there with my friend, in the bleachers, and we were just chatting away in Spanish. I had recently danced with him, actually, there was a salsa social. It was kind of cool, because I was really able to express myself quite easily now, in this kind of the regular day-to-day conversation. We talked about salsa, we talked about basketball, about our childhoods, and things like that. I didn't even need to open up my phone one time, to look at the translator. We were talking about the past and the future and the present.
That was a big thing for me, because I've been learning verbs and different tenses. And it's not easy, let me tell you. So, he was also giving me some tips and helping me out. But it's great, because every time I see him, I can see my progress.
It's linked to our topic today, because I'm still fumbling, I'm still making mistakes, and he's still correcting me. But he understands me so much better now. I was actually asking him, “So is my salsa better than my Spanish now? Or is my Spanish better than my salsa?” It's kind of a running joke, because he never tells me which one is better. He's like, “Oh, you're progressing on both.” It's kind of a funny joke.
But we went dancing this weekend, I fumbled and I made a bunch of mistakes. And of course, that is part of the learning process. I've only been taking Spanish lessons with a teacher for six months now. And I've only been taking salsa dancing lessons for six months now. So, it is part of the process, right? You fumble, you make mistakes, and you keep going.
And so, today I want to talk about feedback. Because the only way to get better is to receive feedback, specific feedback constantly. We talked about how to communicate or how to speak so that people listen, on Episode 10. So today, I wanted to circle back and get really specific on feedback. Because that is something that I struggled with, that a lot of my clients struggle with, as well.
Because we're people pleasers, we are perfectionist, right? So, we want to get it right. We want to manage the other person's reaction. We don't want the other person to get upset. But really, when you think about feedback specifically. So, communications, as a whole, is one thing. But really, if we dial it down and look at feedback specifically, if you want the other person to get better, or to stop doing a thing that's not working, you need to tell them.
You need to tell them often, especially if they're learning a new skill, right? Think of yourself as a leader. You're listening to this podcast episode, you may be reading some books, you might be getting some internal coaching by some colleagues, your boss, or mentors. Whichever way you're learning leadership, you still have to apply it. And if you are not getting feedback, if nobody is telling you how you're doing, you have no idea.
It's kind of like getting dressed in the morning, you're not in front of a mirror, and you have no idea what color clothes you're wearing. Let's say that your eyes are closed, you don't know what colors your clothes are, or you don't have a mirror in front of you, like you can't even see. And so, you don't know if it fits right. You're getting dressed to the best of your ability. Or wearing your shirt and pants, let's say, but you don't know if it fits together.
So, it's the same thing for feedback. You need to have feedback from the mirror or from your eyes looking at the clothes, right? Do they fit together? What does this look like? And so, as I was taking a Bachata class, and it's a bit different than salsa obviously, it's a different style of dance. I noticed that the way that I was moving, my body was kind of like a T-Rex.
There's something called the Bachata wave or the body roll, and it's hard to explain if you haven't seen it. But really, it's a body movement where it's not a straight line, right? You're moving your body kind of in a wave, basically. And I really, honestly, looked as elegant as a T-Rex. It was terrible.
Then the teacher showed us once, and he's like, “Oh, just practice at home in front of a mirror.” But I was like, “I know my body is not doing what your body's doing.” It's very clear, and it's very apparent to me that if I keep practicing at home in front of a mirror, I'm just going to keep getting iterations of the wrong thing.
So, what I did is, I asked him to break it down for me, and to give me feedback, specifically on my body parts, how I needed to put them together. And so, he gave me a lesson. And then, as I was practicing in front of him over and over again, he was able to tell me what I was doing “wrong”. Where I was moving my body in the wrong way. Where I was out of line with the music, and things like that.
He was able to break down, in a simple way, a complex movement with lots of moving parts, for me to understand. But what I needed to do, is not only understand the movement, but also feel it in my body. And practice it in front of him so he could give me feedback on what I was doing well, and what I wasn't doing well, okay?
And then, as I progressively got it right more and more, he was able to give me both constructive feedback and positive feedback on, “Okay, you're doing this well. But now you need to adjust this body part.” And so then, after that process, I was able to practice in front of the mirror. And although I still don't look like an advanced Bachata dancer, which is normal, because I'm not, I am much better. And from this point forward, I can now start practicing on my own.
It's like anything, right? Same for learning Spanish, for example. I'm learning with a teacher and I've been practicing for six months, but if my friend that I'm chatting with doesn't tell me that the verb that I just used is in present tense, but I was describing my childhood, I will not know, I will not correct myself and I'm going to think that I said it correctly.
And so, it's the same thing with giving someone feedback, if you do not tell them that they're, for example, not being efficient in carrying out the task that you're asking them to do… Let's say they're doing two or three extra steps that they shouldn't be doing. Because when they took their training for their job, there was a misunderstanding, right? And they thought they had to do these two additional steps.
So, they're not necessarily maybe getting it wrong, but they're maybe not as efficient as they could be. If nobody tells them, if nobody notices and nobody tells them, they're going to keep doing this thing. And so, it's really important for you, as a leader, to give feedback so that people get better. And we think that once we tell someone something, that they've understood it and they're moving on.
But what we need to keep in mind, is that our minds are overloaded, especially in this day and age where there's an overload of information. Our minds are overloaded with information daily, by the hour and by the minute. And our brains can only retain five to seven pieces of information at a time.
So, if you're talking to someone, and they're thinking about their weekend, their kids, their spouse, their friends, what they're going to do after work, or another piece of the job… Let's say they're working on a very complex project, and you're giving them feedback on another project, they may just have this other project that they're super concerned about at the back of their mind, and they're just maybe not listening to you.
And so, we need to keep in mind that it's not because we tell someone once that they're necessarily going to retain the information that we're giving them, or they might understand. Like, my teacher would give me a couple of corrections, and I would understand what he told me. I would do it once or twice, but then when I put the whole movement together, I would forget what he told me at the beginning. Just because I'm learning, so I'm not used to integrating all of the movements at the same time.
It's kind of like playing golf, right? If you've ever played golf, you know that when you're learning, you have to look at the ball and bend your knees a certain way and then you have to swing the club a certain way. You have to hold your elbows a certain way. You have to look at the ball while you're swinging. And it's just a very uncomfortable movement of your hips and of transferring the weight and all those kinds of things.
And so, if you're not used to deconstructing that movement, you're probably not going to be hitting the ball very frequently. You’ve got to, for example, keep in mind that you have to keep looking at the ball. And then, once you've integrated that, then you can start moving your hips in a certain way. And then you can start transferring your weight, and then you can start, right? So, you're kind of layering the movements one on top of the other.
It's the same thing with giving feedback. You want to keep giving it because if the individual has to correct many things, which, you know what? We all do. What you're doing is you're layering the instructions and the feedback one on top of the other. So yeah, the person might be forgetting, once they've integrated all these movements, you might forget that you have to look at the ball, which was your first instruction, okay?
What I'm going to be doing, is kind of giving you a few simple steps that you're going to want to follow as you're giving feedback. But what I do want to say is that, often, as leaders, because we're scared of the other person's reaction, because often we don't know how to frame the feedback, we often don't give it as often as we should.
The first thing that I want to tell you is, you know what? You're probably going to look awkward, you're probably going to fumble, and it's probably going to take you many times, until you've found your own groove. So, I'm going to share some tips and things that worked for me and my clients. But you're going to have to experiment with it and see what works for you. Kind of like for me, with my teacher teaching me the Bachata wave. It needs to work in my body, and until I've found my groove, I need to just keep practicing it. Tt's the same thing, right?
Just keep in mind that it's probably not going to be super elegant at first, and you might be fumbling and searching for your words. And that is part of the process, and it's normal. I'm just going to give you a few steps here that you want to keep in mind. But the really the important thing here, is just keep giving feedback, keep practicing. And by feedback, I mean both, obviously, the constructive feedback to help people do better or modify certain behaviors, or just be more efficient.
And also, the positive feedback because you want to reinforce what they are doing well as well. Okay, first step is you want to be building trusting relationships as a foundation. This is something that you want to be doing before the feedback. I'm going to give you some tips on how to actually deliver the feedback, but there are some before and after tips.
The first one is build trusting relationships. Because if as a foundation you have a trusting relationship, it is going to be a lot easier for you to say what you want to say, and for the other person to hear what you need them to hear. Really, just make sure that you have this trusting foundation with the other person. And actually, establishing trust comes with communication. So, the more you are communicating with people, the more you are speaking honestly, the more you are opening the channel of communication.
Again, listen to podcast, episode number 10 first, if you haven't. And the more you are able to listen to the other person, the more frequently you're in touch with individuals, that you check in with them, the more you know them, the more you know about them, the more you will be able to build this trusting relationship with them. The more they share things with you, the more you share things with them, the easier it will be for you to be honest, and to give them feedback when things need to be corrected.
And also, to take the time to give them positive feedback, because that's really the foundation. Is taking the time to build that trusting relationship with people. And that comes with time, for sure. But it also comes with actions. And one of the really simple actions, is when you say something and deliver on it. So, no fake promises; it happens, we're human. But what you want to do is don't over promise, right?
Don't say things that you know you won't be able to deliver on. That kind of is the foundation; be truthful with people and deliver on what you say you're going to deliver on. So, that's the foundation. And then always opening up that two-way communication.
Then when you go to actually give the feedback, what you want to do is to be clear on your intentions. Why are you giving that person this piece of feedback? Why is it important for you to say this thing? And reconnecting with our ‘why’ is super important. Because if you're having that discussion with the other individual, sometimes it is difficult. They're not always easy conversations. And so, you want to be clear on why you are sharing this information with them.
For example, it could be as simple as, “Hey, you know what? I know you're learning this new task,” this new project, this new role. “And I just want to help you. I want to support you. And part of that, is to help you get better, faster, potentially. I'm going to be giving you feedback. I'm going to help you correct what maybe you might be doing wrong in the beginning. Which is normal because you're learning. And so, I want to give you as much feedback as I can, as quickly as I can, so that you learn.”
That could be the ‘why’ of your feedback. And what I have seen in my experience, is people actually want to receive feedback so they can get better. The issue is, often as leaders, we hesitate to give it so we wait, we wait, we wait. We don't know how, we’re people pleasing, we're afraid of the reaction, etcetera. So, we wait too long.
And then when we deliver the feedback, it becomes a big deal. And then it is hard for the other person to receive because we waited too long to tell them. It's harder for them to correct them, the longer we wait. If we give them specific feedback on things that they can correct right away, and quickly, it's going to be a lot easier for us to deliver it, and it's going to be a lot easier for them to receive it.
Okay, so be clear on your intentions. The ‘why’ could be to help them get better at a new task. The other ‘why’ could be they need to correct a behavior. Let's say they're doing their job really well, but they're not being a team player. They're not helping out other team members, they're finishing early because they've finished their task, but other people are struggling and they need help. Because let's say, the files that they're working on are more complex. And they need help.
And this person is just checking out and leaving, and not asking if anyone else needs help. Or they're late in giving their part of the project, and so other people, that are working on the next steps are suffering. Because this individual is always late in the tasks that he or she needs to be doing. So, there's a behavior or an action that needs to be corrected, in order for the team to function more efficiently, or that individual to function more efficiently.
It could also be, it's not the first time you're giving this person this feedback. And your intention here could be, “You know what? Actually, there's an issue here and it needs to be corrected, or else there will be consequences.” Maybe the individual will be suspended, maybe they're going to be demoted, maybe you're going to need to let go of them.
You may be further down the road of the feedback process. So, you need to be clear on, “Is this the first time I'm chatting with them on this?” Is it the second, third, the fourth time? Where are you also, in this process with them?
Now, the other thing that you want to keep in mind is, what is actually the problem? Here, you want to be clear and direct with the individual on what the problem is, and why it's a problem. For example, you're late in delivering your part of the project, it's impacting the team. So, that is clear. “You're two days late, you're one day late, we agreed on this timeline,” that kind of thing.
Then number four, is you want to be honest, and speak from the heart. Why do I share this? Is because, again, it helps to build trusting relationships. If you're just telling the person, “Hey, listen, there's an issue here. In order for us to function effectively as a team, everyone needs to be delivering their part of the work on time. So, we're having an issue here, I've noticed, or it's been brought to my attention, that you've been delivering your part late. Help me understand what's going on.”
That's kind of our fifth step, is asking questions to understand what the issue or issues are. Listening to the other person and their point of view and what's going on for them, that also builds trust. And exploring potential issues and also potential solutions, together.
And so, you'll want to ask questions. My favorite ones are, “Help me understand.” You can ask the person, “What do you think the problem is? What do you think the issue is?” So, let's say this person is always late in this project, in submitting their part of the project. And they might tell you,” Hey, listen, yes, I'm always late. But it’s because I'm waiting for this other person before me. And they're late giving it to me.” You may not have known that part. Right?
And it may be true, and then you're going to have to investigate further what the issue is. It might be that this individual tells you, “Hey, you know what? Yeah, I'm late. You're right. And it's because this task that we thought would take three days, is actually taking four days. There's no way I can do it faster.” So there, you're going to have to explore.
Let's say they tell you that, then you might say, “Okay, so break it down for me.” And they may actually be right, that is taking longer than you and they had estimated. Maybe it's taking longer because they're new at the task. Maybe it's taking longer because they're slower. Some people are faster, some people are slower.
And maybe it's just taking longer because they're learning. Maybe it's taking longer because they're doing a bunch of other stuff for other people. Maybe they're not telling their coworkers no on other projects, or people from other teams. So, you want to investigate.
Let's say it's true, it's taking four days instead of three, what is the actual issue? And is that something that this person can do about it? Or is there not something this person can do about it? Was it actually an underestimation of resources? Or can it be corrected?
But you really want to listen to the person, because as leaders, let's say you're leading six people, ten people, four people, however many people you are leading, you're not in their day-to-day job. So, you want to understand what's going on. And then you want to brainstorm solutions, as well.
Also, I'd always go into those conversations being like, “There's probably something I'm missing.” That would be my premise, is there's probably something I'm missing, which would bring me into an actual exploration mode, instead of being like, “Okay, this person's in the wrong. They're late. There's a task that's not being done. It needs to be corrected.”
I would come into those conversations being like, “Hey, I'm probably missing something. So, help me understand what's going on. Let's see, from your point of view, what the issues are” And often there was something I was missing, and sometimes no. But at least I would come into it with an open mind, which is really the way that you want to come into feedback. And that will help you relieve the pressure.
I think those are the two main things. Often, I know as a leader, I used to put so much pressure on myself before I gave feedback, at first. And then I removed the pressure by telling myself, “You know what? They won't learn if I don't tell them what needs to be corrected.” Right?
Coming back to my salsa and Bachata example, and Spanish, I won't learn as fast or as well as I could, if nobody's telling me when I'm making a mistake when I say something. So, approaching the feedback from a standpoint of a growth mindset of, “I'm only helping the person to learn, and therefore they're going to be a better team member. And they're going to grow faster, if I tell them specifically and often.”
And the second thing is having an open mindset as you're coming into those conversations will also help to remove the pressure from you. It will also remove kind of the hierarchy of ‘I'm giving you feedback. I'm telling you what's wrong’ kind of thing, so it equalizes both parties.
And you're having a conversation with them. You'd be like, “Hey, you know what? there's an issue here. Did you see this issue? Yes, you did as well, great. What could we do about it? What are some things that you suggest that could be done?” And then you're having a conversation.
Now, of course, if it's the fifth time that it's happened, it's very different. Now, we're talking more about disciplinary action. And we're talking about, “Hey, you know what? We've talked five times about this thing, it hasn't changed. We brainstorm solutions you haven't implemented them (or you tried,) but it's still not working. There's an issue now.”
Then it becomes more of an authoritarian situation, where you need to make some decisions about that individual. But other than that, if you're earlier in the steps of giving the feedback, then it really is more of an open dialogue where you're just helping them grow and become a better person and a better team member.
So, that is what I had for you today. I want to share something with you, I'm going to be starting some new projects that I am super excited about. I'm going to be taking a break from this podcast, just for now.
My mission with this podcast, was to help women who were newly promoted in their leadership role. To give them knowledge and also some practical tips to help them find their footing in their new role. And so hopefully, this podcast has helped you do that. Hopefully it was valuable for you.
And if so, please feel free to share this podcast with a woman you know who is also a new leader. You have 24 episodes that you can come back to at any time, and I will be still sharing some leadership tools and tips on my social media so you can follow me there. And as well, you can get on my email list if you want any tools and tips to drop into your inbox once a week.
If you want to do that, please follow me on social media, the links will be in the show notes. You can also get on my email list there. It will be a pleasure for me to connect on social media, and to keep communicating with you and sharing some of my best leadership tips.
Thank you so much for listening everyone and have a great week.
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