5. Workplace Relationships: Tips and Strategies for New Leaders (Part 1)
If you regularly find yourself thinking, “I just want everyone to be happy and like me,” you’re not alone, and you’re in the right place. One of the things that cause new leaders the most pain is thinking that they are responsible for other people’s feelings about them. They make their emotions contingent on what other people think about them, and it’s giving all their power away.
There are going to be times when your employees or your superiors aren’t happy about a decision you’ve made, and vice versa. But it’s how you deal with those situations that can make or break you as a leader.
Tune in this week to discover how you are creating unnecessary suffering for yourself as the leader of a team. I’m sharing how all of us have a subconscious manual for how our employees should behave, the difference between a manual versus expectations, and how to stop giving your power away by attaching your emotional well-being to whether or not your employees follow your unwritten rules.
Until January 30th, you can book a one-time 90-minute deep dive with me to uncover what makes you unique as a leader, and give you a personalized roadmap tailored to your strengths and needs, so you can fully focus on your leadership goals. Click here for all the details!
To thank you for being a listener and supporter of The Confident Female Leader, I am sharing a free guided meditation with you! Download your meditation here.
What You’ll Learn From This Episode:
How so many new leaders give their power away by worrying about other people’s opinions of them.
Why you do not have control or influence over other people’s thoughts about you.
How we all have an operation manual for the people in our lives, whether we realize it or not.
The difference between manuals and expectations.
What your manual for your employees might look like, and how it’s creating unnecessary suffering for yourself.
Why you can give people rules, but whether your employees follow them or not is always up to them.
How to spot where you’re expecting others to follow your manual, decide where you could be more flexible, and how to start effectively communicating your expectations.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
To thank you for being a listener and supporter of The Confident Female Leader, I am sharing a free guided meditation with you! Download your meditation here.
3. Stop People-Pleasing: The Ultimate Guide for New Female Leaders
Full Episode Transcript:
Today, we're going to be talking about navigating workplace relationships now that you're the boss. If you've had thoughts like, “I just want everyone to be happy. I just want everyone to like me, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling,” you're not alone and you're in the right place. Today, we're going to see why that is and what to do about it.
Welcome to The Confident Female Leader podcast. A space for ambitious women stepping into leadership, who are ready to take control of their circumstances and own their magic. If you're ready to start shedding your self-doubt, come into your new identity as a leader, and stop consistently undervaluing yourself so you can feel more confident in your role, this show’s for you. I'm Annie Framand; Psychologist, Certified Feminist Coach and Master Trainer. And I'm on a mission to help women just like you stop overworking, overthinking, and overpleasing, so you can start creating success on your terms. Ready to create your dream life? Let's go.
Hola amigas, how are you? I'm doing so good. I went to the local market this weekend, and I bought my kitten the cutest little Santa outfit. He was so adorable in it. Now, he had it on long enough for me to take pictures. And then, he looked up at me with mean eyes, screaming for me to take it off. I was super sad, but I did it. And it was totally worth the 90 pesos, or about $5, just to see him in that little outfit, not gonna lie.
Alright, let's dive in. Something I've seen come up over and over in my sessions with my clients, and one of the things that causes new leaders the most pain, in my opinion, is thinking that we positively or negatively control other people's feelings about us. So, I decided to do a two-part series on the topic of relationships at work.
Now, these episodes will be airing during the holidays, so if you want to practice your new relationship skills on your mother-in-law, go ahead; you can do that, too. All right, on this episode, we're going to be taking a look at navigating workplace relationships in general; whether that be with your boss, your colleagues, or your employees. And on the next episode, we're going to be taking a deeper dive into navigating relationships with employees who used to be your colleagues.
All right, like we saw in episode number three, as women, we're socialized to believe that our value is determined by what other people think of us. We're socialized to place more value on everyone else's opinion of us, than on our own opinion of ourselves. Now, this is true, not only of the opinions of family, friends, partners, bosses and loved ones, but even strangers, like the random dude at the cafe.
So, if you've ever had thoughts, like, “I just want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to like me, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings,” you're not alone. And, you're also making your happiness contingent on what other people think of you. First, it's very unlikely that everyone is going to like you. And no one's happy all the time, not even you.
Second of all, you're giving other people control of your emotional life. And, you're giving away your power when you do that. Now, if you're a parent, and your five-year-old is asking for candy before going to bed, do you give it to him? No, of course not. And, why not? I mean, he would be happy and like you. But you don't do it because you don't want him, and you, to be up all night from the sugar rush. And, both be tired the next morning.
So, you don't do what he wants, of course. And in this case, he might not like you very much. But you don't control his feelings, and you also did what you believe is the right thing to do for everyone involved. Regardless of how that person is going to feel about you. Right?
Another example; yesterday, I was up at the pool in my building, looking forward to enjoying a quiet, relaxing few hours of reading after a busy week. After about half an hour in, four people show up with their music blaring, speaking super loud in Spanish; they're clearly drunk, playing beer pong. Now, I'm frustrated. Thinking, “How dare they disturb my quiet time? They should behave better. It's not their private space.”
And then it dawned on me, that one, it's not my private space, either. And two, I live in a condo building, a 10-minute walk from the beach, in Mexico, and it's December. So, of course, there's going to be Airbnbers partying. But I was still feeling frustrated, right? Because I was thinking that they shouldn't be so loud.
But my love, who was with me, was like, “Why don't you just pretend that you're in a beach club.” He was not, at all, affected by the music. He was super chill about it. And then, my friend who was also with me said, “Meh, it's Mexico. It's normal. They like their music loud, out here.” And so, she just closed the door to the room to lower the volume of the music.
Now, had I stayed in my feeling of frustration, I could have taken different actions. Like, leaving in a huff and puff, seething quietly in my chair, telling them off, venting to my love and my friend, or complaining to the security guard, for example. And all of those would have been human reactions, right? Our emotional brains can throw tantrums sometimes, like a five-year-old.
But none of those reactions seemed to be very productive to me at the time. I felt I would have created a lot of suffering for myself, making a bad situation worse. So instead, in this case, I reframed; I borrowed my love’s thought that I was at the beach club, and I actually listened to their music; which I wasn't doing, because I was too much in my head and frustrated. And, it was actually pretty good.
Later on, I went to get ear plugs, and then I took a nap. I actually fell asleep, and I woke up wondering, “Was I snoring?” So, the result is that I had a great afternoon, and no, I was not snoring. Now, the thing is, circumstances are neutral. So, there's something that everyone would agree on; the sky is blue, hockey is a sport.
And there are people with a speaker, playing music next to me at the pool. But perceptions are subjective. Our perceptions are influenced by our knowledge, our life experience, our culture, age, gender, where and how we were brought up, etc. Our perceptions are all unique, because we all see the world differently.
What matters is not the event itself, it's what we make of it, what we make it mean. It's our perceptions, or our mindset, about a circumstance, not the circumstance itself, that leads us to act a certain way or another. Now, my love and my friend who were with me, had a different reaction than mine, initially. And of each other as well, because they had different perceptions about the situation.
It's our perceptions that lead us to act in one way or another. Because of the feeling that they generate; same event, three different reactions. But we don't realize it. We all have an operation manual for people in our lives. It's basically an instruction guide for how we want other people to behave, so that we can feel good and happy.
Now the thing is, we usually don't tell other people what the instructions are. We just feel that the other person should just know what to do and how to treat us. The problem is that, like we just saw, we all have very different perceptions of how life “should be”. So, we try to manipulate people to behave in the way we want, so we can feel better.
And that creates a spiral of negativity, and also gives other people power over our emotional wellbeing and vice versa. It's like as if you're making a cake; you have all the ingredients in the cookbook for the specific cake. Let's say it's chocolate, and then you send someone to the groceries to go buy ingredients for the cake, without specifying which cake, which size, and what you need exactly.
So, they bring you back ingredients to bake a cheesecake. And then, you're upset and tell them, “That's not what I wanted. That's the wrong cake.” And they're like, “But you didn't tell me what you wanted. Had you just given me the list of ingredients, you would have had a better chance of getting a chocolate cake, and not at cheesecake.”
It's the same with employees. Say someone in your team asks you for vacation during busy season. They want to go see their parents, that they haven't seen for two years because of the pandemic, and they're asking you, “Just this one time, please.” But you say no, because you can't afford to lose a team member during that busy time. Plus, if you say yes to her, you opened the door for others to ask you.
And even though that employee’s rational brain understands when you state the company's rules, their emotional brain probably isn't really happy, and doesn't like you much in the moment. But you did what you believed was right, and the right thing to do for all involved; but you don't control their feelings.
Your rational brain knows this, but you're still probably feeling bad because you wish they would just understand the rules, and not make it meet anything about you. Now, you might have an instruction in your manual of the perfect employee, running in the background. Something like, employees shouldn't ask me for their vacation during busy season. They should just know better.
And the employee who asked you for vacation, might have an instruction in their manual of the perfect boss, to the effect of, I'm a great employee and I never ask for anything. My boss should be able to make an exception for me this one time, how unreasonable.
Controlling our own behavior is challenging enough, but trying to control other people is inevitably frustrating for both parties, and it's usually ineffective. Adults have the ability and the freedom to behave however they choose. Now, in my manual of the perfect condo renter, or owner, I think that everyone should keep the noise down. But maybe, the Airbnbers have their manual; that they're on vacation and they get to do whatever they want.
Of course, we live in a society and there are rules to be respected and compromises to be made. But the point is, where are you creating unnecessary suffering for yourself, with made up instructions that you expect others to follow? Where could you be more flexible? And where do you, at least, need to tell others what your rules are, and give them a chance to follow them, if they are so inclined? If you want a chocolate cake, give them a recipe for a chocolate cake; or, you might end up with a cheesecake.
Now, I want to differentiate manuals from expectations. The best leaders have expectations for their employees, and consequences if they don't comply. Like showing up on time for work, for example. And if the employees don't deliver on the expectation, you get to decide what to do; having a conversation with them if it's the first time they're late, or terminating them if it's the third warning out of three, for example.
This is different from the type of manual we're talking about here. You will know if you have manuals for your employees, on top of expectations, if you're, one, emotionally affected by their behavior. And two, if your thought about their behavior starts with a “should”.
If you're managing from a clean space, the emotion is removed and your job becomes a lot easier, because it's not about you; it's about the employee. So, if you think, for example, “All employees should show up on time,” that's an instruction in your manual. Because you're personally upset if they don't show up on time.
If you think the requirements of this job are for the employee to show up at 9am, Monday to Friday, that's an expectation. See? You're not upset if they don't show up on time, you just address the situation if they don't; it's very different. You're creating unnecessary suffering for yourself when you think, “This should not happen,” which is the manual. Versus thinking the thought, “Of course, some employees show up late. There are guidelines for that type of situation, and I know how to deal with it.” That's more an expectation.
Now, the things that I see show up on my clients manuals are, for example: Everyone should speak up and voice their ideas and concerns in a meeting. Everyone should look professional when they're at work, including on Zoom calls. Speaking out of turn is unprofessional. Everyone should be reachable at all times during the workday.
You'll notice that this is just a set of rules. And when you notice yourself using words like “everyone”, “all should”, and blanket descriptors like “professional”, they are instructions in your manual. Something like “professional” is really subjective from one person to another; it's a question of perception. Someone can think wearing a t-shirt is professional, for example. And another one, does not.
So, this week, try to play with the following experiment: List the instructions, in your own manual, of the perfect employee. Decide what you could be more flexible on, and what you need to communicate if you decide that those instructions stay part of your manual. Also, list the expectations that you have of your employees, and notice how much of those expectations are actually part of your manual.
When most of us start to lead we overcomplicate, overthink, and overwhelm ourselves, because that's what we've been taught as women. So, I help my clients simplify and focus spending their working time only on things that are moving them forward towards their goals, so they don't waste time.
I help my clients with mindset perception, like we saw today, and skill set, like how we delegate. Mindset is the foundation, and then we layer the skill set. So, if you'd like some support to apply any of the skills that you've been learning on the podcast, I have a special offer to help you kickstart your year and create some traction towards your goals.
Normally, the only way to work with me is in my three-month coaching container. But until January 30, you can book a one-time 90-minute-deep dive with me. At the end of those 90 minutes, you'll have uncovered what makes you unique as a leader. And, you'll have your personalized roadmap, tailored to your strengths and your needs, so that you can focus on the goals that you want to achieve for 2023.
Book your free consult on my website, and learn more to see if we're a good fit. I would love to hear from you. Let me know what you're loving about the podcast and what you'd like me to talk about next.
See you next week, as we take a deeper dive into navigating relationships with employees who used to be your colleagues. Have a great week, everyone.
To celebrate the launch of the show, I'm going to be giving away a free five-minute meditation to everyone who subscribes, rates, and reviews the show, before December 31, 2022, to thank you for your feedback. This meditation will help you chill out, in real time, when your brain goes in overdrive.
I want your honest feedback on the podcast, so I can create an awesome show that resonates with you and provides tons of value. Visit annieframand.com/podcastlaunch to learn more about the giveaway and how to enter. And if you found this episode useful, I'd love for you to spread the word and share it with a woman you know who's also a new leader.
Thanks for listening to The Confident Female Leader podcast. Ready to dismantle the patriarchy with me? Come say “Hi” at annieframand.com to learn more about how you can take this work deeper and apply what you're learning.
Welcome to The Confident Female Leader podcast. A space for ambitious women stepping into leadership, who are ready to take control of their circumstances and own their magic. If you're ready to start shedding your self-doubt, come into your new identity as a leader, and stop consistently undervaluing yourself so you can feel more confident in your role, this show’s for you. I'm Annie Framand; Psychologist, Certified Feminist Coach and Master Trainer. And I'm on a mission to help women just like you stop overworking, overthinking, and overpleasing, so you can start creating success on your terms. Ready to create your dream life? Let's go.
Hola amigas, how are you? I'm doing so good. I went to the local market this weekend, and I bought my kitten the cutest little Santa outfit. He was so adorable in it. Now, he had it on long enough for me to take pictures. And then, he looked up at me with mean eyes, screaming for me to take it off. I was super sad, but I did it. And it was totally worth the 90 pesos, or about $5, just to see him in that little outfit, not gonna lie.
Alright, let's dive in. Something I've seen come up over and over in my sessions with my clients, and one of the things that causes new leaders the most pain, in my opinion, is thinking that we positively or negatively control other people's feelings about us. So, I decided to do a two-part series on the topic of relationships at work.
Now, these episodes will be airing during the holidays, so if you want to practice your new relationship skills on your mother-in-law, go ahead; you can do that, too. All right, on this episode, we're going to be taking a look at navigating workplace relationships in general; whether that be with your boss, your colleagues, or your employees. And on the next episode, we're going to be taking a deeper dive into navigating relationships with employees who used to be your colleagues.
All right, like we saw in episode number three, as women, we're socialized to believe that our value is determined by what other people think of us. We're socialized to place more value on everyone else's opinion of us, than on our own opinion of ourselves. Now, this is true, not only of the opinions of family, friends, partners, bosses and loved ones, but even strangers, like the random dude at the cafe.
So, if you've ever had thoughts, like, “I just want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to like me, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings,” you're not alone. And, you're also making your happiness contingent on what other people think of you. First, it's very unlikely that everyone is going to like you. And no one's happy all the time, not even you.
Second of all, you're giving other people control of your emotional life. And, you're giving away your power when you do that. Now, if you're a parent, and your five-year-old is asking for candy before going to bed, do you give it to him? No, of course not. And, why not? I mean, he would be happy and like you. But you don't do it because you don't want him, and you, to be up all night from the sugar rush. And, both be tired the next morning.
So, you don't do what he wants, of course. And in this case, he might not like you very much. But you don't control his feelings, and you also did what you believe is the right thing to do for everyone involved. Regardless of how that person is going to feel about you. Right?
Another example; yesterday, I was up at the pool in my building, looking forward to enjoying a quiet, relaxing few hours of reading after a busy week. After about half an hour in, four people show up with their music blaring, speaking super loud in Spanish; they're clearly drunk, playing beer pong. Now, I'm frustrated. Thinking, “How dare they disturb my quiet time? They should behave better. It's not their private space.”
And then it dawned on me, that one, it's not my private space, either. And two, I live in a condo building, a 10-minute walk from the beach, in Mexico, and it's December. So, of course, there's going to be Airbnbers partying. But I was still feeling frustrated, right? Because I was thinking that they shouldn't be so loud.
But my love, who was with me, was like, “Why don't you just pretend that you're in a beach club.” He was not, at all, affected by the music. He was super chill about it. And then, my friend who was also with me said, “Meh, it's Mexico. It's normal. They like their music loud, out here.” And so, she just closed the door to the room to lower the volume of the music.
Now, had I stayed in my feeling of frustration, I could have taken different actions. Like, leaving in a huff and puff, seething quietly in my chair, telling them off, venting to my love and my friend, or complaining to the security guard, for example. And all of those would have been human reactions, right? Our emotional brains can throw tantrums sometimes, like a five-year-old.
But none of those reactions seemed to be very productive to me at the time. I felt I would have created a lot of suffering for myself, making a bad situation worse. So instead, in this case, I reframed; I borrowed my love’s thought that I was at the beach club, and I actually listened to their music; which I wasn't doing, because I was too much in my head and frustrated. And, it was actually pretty good.
Later on, I went to get ear plugs, and then I took a nap. I actually fell asleep, and I woke up wondering, “Was I snoring?” So, the result is that I had a great afternoon, and no, I was not snoring. Now, the thing is, circumstances are neutral. So, there's something that everyone would agree on; the sky is blue, hockey is a sport.
And there are people with a speaker, playing music next to me at the pool. But perceptions are subjective. Our perceptions are influenced by our knowledge, our life experience, our culture, age, gender, where and how we were brought up, etc. Our perceptions are all unique, because we all see the world differently.
What matters is not the event itself, it's what we make of it, what we make it mean. It's our perceptions, or our mindset, about a circumstance, not the circumstance itself, that leads us to act a certain way or another. Now, my love and my friend who were with me, had a different reaction than mine, initially. And of each other as well, because they had different perceptions about the situation.
It's our perceptions that lead us to act in one way or another. Because of the feeling that they generate; same event, three different reactions. But we don't realize it. We all have an operation manual for people in our lives. It's basically an instruction guide for how we want other people to behave, so that we can feel good and happy.
Now the thing is, we usually don't tell other people what the instructions are. We just feel that the other person should just know what to do and how to treat us. The problem is that, like we just saw, we all have very different perceptions of how life “should be”. So, we try to manipulate people to behave in the way we want, so we can feel better.
And that creates a spiral of negativity, and also gives other people power over our emotional wellbeing and vice versa. It's like as if you're making a cake; you have all the ingredients in the cookbook for the specific cake. Let's say it's chocolate, and then you send someone to the groceries to go buy ingredients for the cake, without specifying which cake, which size, and what you need exactly.
So, they bring you back ingredients to bake a cheesecake. And then, you're upset and tell them, “That's not what I wanted. That's the wrong cake.” And they're like, “But you didn't tell me what you wanted. Had you just given me the list of ingredients, you would have had a better chance of getting a chocolate cake, and not at cheesecake.”
It's the same with employees. Say someone in your team asks you for vacation during busy season. They want to go see their parents, that they haven't seen for two years because of the pandemic, and they're asking you, “Just this one time, please.” But you say no, because you can't afford to lose a team member during that busy time. Plus, if you say yes to her, you opened the door for others to ask you.
And even though that employee’s rational brain understands when you state the company's rules, their emotional brain probably isn't really happy, and doesn't like you much in the moment. But you did what you believed was right, and the right thing to do for all involved; but you don't control their feelings.
Your rational brain knows this, but you're still probably feeling bad because you wish they would just understand the rules, and not make it meet anything about you. Now, you might have an instruction in your manual of the perfect employee, running in the background. Something like, employees shouldn't ask me for their vacation during busy season. They should just know better.
And the employee who asked you for vacation, might have an instruction in their manual of the perfect boss, to the effect of, I'm a great employee and I never ask for anything. My boss should be able to make an exception for me this one time, how unreasonable.
Controlling our own behavior is challenging enough, but trying to control other people is inevitably frustrating for both parties, and it's usually ineffective. Adults have the ability and the freedom to behave however they choose. Now, in my manual of the perfect condo renter, or owner, I think that everyone should keep the noise down. But maybe, the Airbnbers have their manual; that they're on vacation and they get to do whatever they want.
Of course, we live in a society and there are rules to be respected and compromises to be made. But the point is, where are you creating unnecessary suffering for yourself, with made up instructions that you expect others to follow? Where could you be more flexible? And where do you, at least, need to tell others what your rules are, and give them a chance to follow them, if they are so inclined? If you want a chocolate cake, give them a recipe for a chocolate cake; or, you might end up with a cheesecake.
Now, I want to differentiate manuals from expectations. The best leaders have expectations for their employees, and consequences if they don't comply. Like showing up on time for work, for example. And if the employees don't deliver on the expectation, you get to decide what to do; having a conversation with them if it's the first time they're late, or terminating them if it's the third warning out of three, for example.
This is different from the type of manual we're talking about here. You will know if you have manuals for your employees, on top of expectations, if you're, one, emotionally affected by their behavior. And two, if your thought about their behavior starts with a “should”.
If you're managing from a clean space, the emotion is removed and your job becomes a lot easier, because it's not about you; it's about the employee. So, if you think, for example, “All employees should show up on time,” that's an instruction in your manual. Because you're personally upset if they don't show up on time.
If you think the requirements of this job are for the employee to show up at 9am, Monday to Friday, that's an expectation. See? You're not upset if they don't show up on time, you just address the situation if they don't; it's very different. You're creating unnecessary suffering for yourself when you think, “This should not happen,” which is the manual. Versus thinking the thought, “Of course, some employees show up late. There are guidelines for that type of situation, and I know how to deal with it.” That's more an expectation.
Now, the things that I see show up on my clients manuals are, for example: Everyone should speak up and voice their ideas and concerns in a meeting. Everyone should look professional when they're at work, including on Zoom calls. Speaking out of turn is unprofessional. Everyone should be reachable at all times during the workday.
You'll notice that this is just a set of rules. And when you notice yourself using words like “everyone”, “all should”, and blanket descriptors like “professional”, they are instructions in your manual. Something like “professional” is really subjective from one person to another; it's a question of perception. Someone can think wearing a t-shirt is professional, for example. And another one, does not.
So, this week, try to play with the following experiment: List the instructions, in your own manual, of the perfect employee. Decide what you could be more flexible on, and what you need to communicate if you decide that those instructions stay part of your manual. Also, list the expectations that you have of your employees, and notice how much of those expectations are actually part of your manual.
When most of us start to lead we overcomplicate, overthink, and overwhelm ourselves, because that's what we've been taught as women. So, I help my clients simplify and focus spending their working time only on things that are moving them forward towards their goals, so they don't waste time.
I help my clients with mindset perception, like we saw today, and skill set, like how we delegate. Mindset is the foundation, and then we layer the skill set. So, if you'd like some support to apply any of the skills that you've been learning on the podcast, I have a special offer to help you kickstart your year and create some traction towards your goals.
Normally, the only way to work with me is in my three-month coaching container. But until January 30, you can book a one-time 90-minute-deep dive with me. At the end of those 90 minutes, you'll have uncovered what makes you unique as a leader. And, you'll have your personalized roadmap, tailored to your strengths and your needs, so that you can focus on the goals that you want to achieve for 2023.
Book your free consult on my website, and learn more to see if we're a good fit. I would love to hear from you. Let me know what you're loving about the podcast and what you'd like me to talk about next.
See you next week, as we take a deeper dive into navigating relationships with employees who used to be your colleagues. Have a great week, everyone.
To celebrate the launch of the show, I'm going to be giving away a free five-minute meditation to everyone who subscribes, rates, and reviews the show, before December 31, 2022, to thank you for your feedback. This meditation will help you chill out, in real time, when your brain goes in overdrive.
I want your honest feedback on the podcast, so I can create an awesome show that resonates with you and provides tons of value. Visit annieframand.com/podcastlaunch to learn more about the giveaway and how to enter. And if you found this episode useful, I'd love for you to spread the word and share it with a woman you know who's also a new leader.
Thanks for listening to The Confident Female Leader podcast. Ready to dismantle the patriarchy with me? Come say “Hi” at annieframand.com to learn more about how you can take this work deeper and apply what you're learning.
Enjoy the Show?
Don’t miss an episode, follow the podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or Google Podcasts.
