1. The Secret to Confidence as a New Leader
Moving into a new job or role inevitably brings up discomfort, especially when you’re going from leading just yourself to leading a team of people. You may be considered an expert, but transitioning into this role of leader is going to present some unique challenges. That is where The Confident Female Leader comes in.
Leadership is an adventure, and not only are you the heroine, but you get to choose your own. Just like in the choose-your-own-adventure books, there are going to be forks in the road and dragons to slay, but you get to decide which way you want to go.
Tune in this week to learn how to turn your transition from expert to leader into an adventure that you get to be the heroine of. I’m sharing the three struggles (I prefer to call them dragons!) that I see my clients face over and over again on this leadership adventure and showing you how you can begin the work of slaying all three. I’m also sharing practical tools and feminist perspectives, so you can decondition from the patriarchy within and make the decisions that best serve you and your team.
To thank you for being a listener and supporter of The Confident Female Leader, I am sharing a free guided meditation with you! Download your meditation here.
What You’ll Learn From This Episode:
Three common challenges faced by women transitioning into leadership.
How to spot where these three challenges are showing up on your own journey into leadership.
What my transition toward leadership looked like, and why I wish I’d had a podcast like this to guide me.
How to stop compromising your leadership and create real self-confidence as a leader.
Why there is no “right” way to lead.
The threat response our brains go to when we feel uncertain about a new role and how women’s and men’s brains interpret threats differently.
How the way you have been socialized leads to a lack of confidence in your ability to lead.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
To thank you for being a listener and supporter of The Confident Female Leader, I am sharing a free guided meditation with you! Download your meditation here.
Full Episode Transcript:
Leadership is an adventure, and you get to choose your own adventure. Today, we take a look at how you can turn your transition from expert to leader into an adventure that you get to be the heroine of. And I give you a sneak peek into the three struggles or dragons I see my clients face, over and over again, on their leadership adventure.
Welcome to The Confident Female Leader podcast. A space for ambitious women stepping into leadership, who are ready to take control of their circumstances and own their magic. If you're ready to start shedding your self-doubt, come into your new identity as a leader, and stop consistently undervaluing yourself so you can feel more confident in your role, this show’s for you. I'm Annie Framand; Psychologist, Certified Feminist Coach and Master Trainer. And I'm on a mission to help women just like you stop overworking, overthinking, and overpleasing, so you can start creating success on your terms. Ready to create your dream life? Let's go.
Hola amigas, bienvenido. And, welcome to The Confident Female Leader podcast. I'm Annie, and I'm thrilled to welcome you into this space, where we'll be geeking out about all things leadership and brains, and having fun along the way. I'm recording this in sunny Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, where I've been living for a year now, and I'm loving every single minute of it.
My journey from Canada to Mexico got me thinking about the journey into leadership. Now, leaving a place or a job where you're comfortable and moving into a new place or job inevitably brings up discomfort, especially if it's a whole other country or a whole other job, where you go from just leading yourself to leading a bunch of people.
So, today we're going to be chatting about the specific struggles faced by women transitioning from expert to leader, or as I like to call them, “the dragons” of overdoing, perfectionism, and people pleasing. If you're like me, and you like to take notes when you're listening to a podcast, I got you.
No need to stop the car on the side of the road, to stop walking, or stop doing the dishes, to jot down your favorite things. Just keep on listening and click on the link in the show notes after, to get the full transcript of this episode. It's that easy.
So, my favorite books growing up were the Choose Your Own Adventure books. It was so fun. Like, you got to choose which role you wanted to take on for the adventure. At certain points in the book, there were forks in the road where you got to decide which way you wanted to go. And depending on your choice, you would go to a different page number.
Now eventually, all your choices would lead you to a different ending, than if you had chosen something else. So, if you went down a certain path, for example, you'd meet a wizard. And then on another, a dragon, and so on. And, leadership is like that. As a leader, you get to choose your own adventure, with every single decision you make.
Now, I see my clients face three “dragons,” over and over again, as they step into the leadership adventure. And I'm sure you can relate to this, as well. So, dragon number one is overworking. If you have thoughts like, “I'm not doing enough. I have to do it all,” you're struggling with this one.
You're going to feel the pressure to do more, to prove yourself, and you're going to base your self-worth on what you deliver. So basically, you tend to overdo.
Now, dragon number two, is people pleasing. If you think, “I'm not enough.” If you feel the pressure to be more, to be liked, to keep everyone happy, and if your sense of self-worth is dependent on what other people think, then you're facing this dragon. You tend to over give, you don't set boundaries, you don't ask for help, and you work on other people's priorities.
Now, dragon number three, is perfectionism. If you frequently think, “I don't know enough. I don't know how.” If you feel the pressure to know more, to be right, to get it right. Or, if your sense of self-worth is derived from what you know. If you tend to overthink. If you think about work outside of working hours, then this is your dragon.
Some of us face one, other’s two. And if you're like me and most of my clients, not gonna lie, it's all three. This podcast is a place to understand what goes on in women's brains when we become leaders. Why, as women, we struggle with those three dragons? What we can do about it, using the feminist lens and applying it to leadership.
You'll learn some practical tools to decondition from the patriarchy within, so that you can make the best decisions, that best serve you and your team, and end up where you want to go on your adventure. Now, on this podcast, I'll share my secrets; the things I learned on my own and wish someone had told me when I became a leader.
I want you to take what resonates with you and leave what doesn't. And I encourage you to approach everything like it's a mini-experiment; try it on and only take what fits. It's a podcast I wish I had when I stepped into leadership years ago.
My leadership adventure began 15 years ago, when I was asked to open and manage an office for the consulting firm where I was working. As a psychologist, I felt that I understood human behavior pretty good. And I also knew the best practices and leadership. But when I became a leader myself, I was like, “Holy shit, what do I do now?” It was a whole other ballgame.
I didn't know the first things about financials or budgets. And now, I had a P&L and eight employees to manage. So, all my mind drama and my anxieties came to the surface, all of the crippling self-doubt. On the surface, I looked really confident. But underneath, I felt like an impostor. I was constantly worried that I said or did something wrong. I obsessed over my team liking me.
I was pretty much thinking about work all the time. I thought there was a right way to lead. That all I had to do was to figure it out. And spoiler alert, actually, there is no one right way, or a right way, period. More on that later.
I inevitably made some mistakes along the way. And through trial and error, I figured out what worked for me and my team. I found my footing, eventually. Back then, there were very few resources specifically for female leaders. And let's be honest, there's still very few for women becoming leaders for the first time.
Last year, when I ended my 25-year career in corporate, I knew I wanted to help ambitious women like me, navigate that transition from expert to leader, and be a guide on their adventure. And now, I exclusively coach women who are new leaders.
The transition from expert to leader is the most challenging one from my own personal experience. But also, for most of the leaders I assessed, coached, and taught, over the years. You go from being the one who has the answers, to the one who gets shit done through others; it's pretty much a mindfuck.
When women are promoted into a leadership role, the celebration lasts usually a few hours, sometimes a few days. And then the self-doubt starts to creep in, and sometimes even comes crashing down. Right? You start to feel inadequate. You're gonna question your decisions. You obsess over how to have an honest conversation without sounding like a bitch. You feel overwhelmed.
And you might even start to question why they promoted you in the first place, and why you accepted. You're not as present with your family and friends. And sometimes, you wake up with work on your mind, or you have trouble falling asleep. When we feel uncertain about something, we have a threat response.
Of course, learning a new role comes with a lot of uncertainty. How do I have a performance conversation? How do I delegate this task, and to who? And, how can I best motivate my team? The list goes on. Thing is, our brains can’t distinguish between a real and an unreal threat.
Our brain reacts the same way, whether we see a bear in front of us or whether we don't know what to say in a meeting. And our brains react quickly in the same way, to keep us safe. Basically, when we perceive a threat, a part of the brain, called the HPA, triggers the production and release of cortisol preparing our body for action. That increases our blood pressure, our heart rate, and our breathing, to combat the bear or the boss, or to flee the scene. It's basically the flight-or-fight response.
Now, in that process, the neurotransmitters that are released suppress the activity in the frontal lobe, which is basically our brain’s CEO. And that means, that our focus or short-term memory and our rational thinking are all depleted, making it challenging to handle social interactions elegantly or solve problems.
So, if you're finding yourself exhausted at the end of the day, and you have trouble making decisions, and you'd rather hide in a cave than talk to anyone, that's why. Now, women's and men's brains react differently to a threat. Men's brains have evolved to be very focused and linear in processing. So direct action, like debating, is going to help men use up their excess adrenaline.
Whereas, women's brains remember the details of what happened. And we want to talk it through, and that releases oxytocin. That helps us feel close to people. And serotonin, which is calming. So, talking to a trusted adviser, like a mentor or a coach, is going to help women process.
Leadership is like you're going on a road trip to the beach with your boss, your employees, and your colleagues. You just got your driver's license; you want to prove to yourself and everyone else that you can get them safely to destination. So, you do it all.
You drive day and night while everyone in the back is laughing and telling stories. Heck, you even fill up the car yourself and you pay for the gas. So, during the trip, your boss keeps asking, “Are we there yet?” While you're driving, you're asking yourself if you're doing it right.
You notice Bob, in accounting, giving you a look when you took that right turn half an hour ago, and you're wondering what he was thinking. Did you remember to signal your turn? And you hope that you don't have to parallel park in three hours, because when you get to the beach, you suck at parallel parking. Right? You think back to when you almost failed your exam because of it.
And while you're in your head, you almost hit an animal running across the street. And of course, you give yourself shit for being such a terrible driver, even though it's only your first trip. Meanwhile, Arpita, from marketing, tells you she's cold. Bob, from accounting, wakes up and asks you to stop because he needs to use the restroom, again. And everyone rolls their eyes and asks if he can hold it in.
It seems that no matter what you do, you can't make everyone happy. And you're so tired from all the driving that you stay in the van to take a nap while everyone heads to the beach to have some fun under the sun. Does that sound familiar? I get it.
That was me; trying to do it all, thinking about work outside of work, and bending over backwards to make everyone happy. The thing is, there's always going to be someone who doesn't agree with your decisions. Someone who isn't happy. Someone who thinks you should have turned left when you turned right.
And as women, when we're promoted into leadership, we feel pulled in different directions. We often forget that we're at the wheel of the car. So, imagine if you could get to the beach rested, and looking forward to enjoying the day with your team. What would that look like?
Maybe you could ask everyone to take turns driving, instead of doing it all yourself? Maybe you could decide if you want the radio on or not; it's your van, you're driving it. Do you want the A/C on or not? When you try to please everyone in the car with you, you end up being a passenger in your own car.
Where are you compromising yourself to please others? Do you finish late to help your colleagues on their urgent project, only to be late to dinner with your family? Do you drive back from work replaying every word of a performance conversation, just like I did many times?
So, I looked at the definition of confidence, which is a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. A confident leader sets and achieves challenging goals, promptly deals with issues and conflicts, and trust herself to make the best decisions. So basically, a confident leader is her own authority.
She looks inside of herself, instead of outside, for answers or validation. Now, women are taught from a young age to look outside themselves for the answers. Whether that be a teacher, a book, a parent, or society. We're taught that there's a right answer. We're taught to be nice, to be liked, to follow the rules, to be the good girl.
Like me and my clients, you likely hustled to get the best grades you could in school; you got the right answers, you hustled your way to the top, you became an expert in your job, or a top performer in a competitive field. Now, the number one mistake I see women make when they get promoted, and it's a mistake I made myself, to be honest, is thinking that there's a right way to lead. There isn't.
Leadership is a whole other ballgame. It's an identity shift. It's like becoming a parent, you only had you to think of before. And now, you have to consider the needs of others who are, in a way, depending on you. Like, there's no one right way to be a parent. It varies from parent to parent, and child to child. There's as many ways to lead as there are leaders, and employees. There's no one size fits all, right?
It's like when you're shopping, you see a bunch of clothes in the store, you try them on; some fit, some don't. Now, as you learn leadership, some practices are going to work for you and your team, and some won't. And some things will work at first, and then they won't, as your team grows or as the dynamic shifts.
And the way that you lead is going to be unique, because you're a unique person, and everyone on your team is, as well. So, in the next three episodes, we're going to be taking a deeper dive into the three dragons of overworking, perfectionism, and people pleasing, and what you can do to slay them.
I'll be taking you on the journey to becoming a confident woman who deeply trusts herself. You're going to start to choose what to do, versus putting pressure on yourself to do it all. You're gonna learn to face the discomfort that comes from having honest conversations, instead of compromising yourself to make everyone around you, and their mother, happy.
You'll go from struggling to get it all perfect, to learning from your mistakes and moving on. In the words of one of my clients, “to some extent, we all feel the same. We struggle with self-doubt and impostor syndrome. What's important, is that we keep showing up for ourselves every day.”
So, today, I went to Office Depot. The first time I went there, a year ago, I was sweating, and it wasn't just because of the Mexican heat. I was super nervous, right? I hardly spoke any Spanish. I had to use Google Translate to read the labels. And I even had to ask them a couple of times, to repeat it at the cash.
I pretty much sounded like a five-year-old when I spoke, “Me want that.” Actually, I probably said, “Me that.” And learning a new language, like learning to lead, makes you humble, that's for sure. Today, it hit me as I was leaving the cash, the whole process was seamless. I didn't even have to think twice. I was able to understand easily and speak without sounding like a five-year-old?
Actually, I probably sounded more like a teenager. Right? I don't use that many words, but I use them well. And, I rarely had to take out my phone to use Google Translate anymore. Alright? So, I'm still learning Spanish, and I will be for a while still, but it's no longer as uncomfortable. For myself, as well as every woman I've coached, there's a moment when it clicks. When you suddenly feel more comfortable than uncomfortable, as a new leader. And, it becomes much easier from there.
As I left the Office Depot, a man asked me, “Do you speak Spanish?” To which, I confidently answered, “Yes, yes, I do.” “How much is cien pesos?” “One hundred,” I said. “Thanks. Have a nice day.” And, off I went.
Be where you are. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Give yourself a break. Loosen the grip. See if you can soften and relax into the process of becoming a leader. It will become easier with time, I promise. You're learning to be a leader. How can you give yourself space and grace as you learn? How could you be compassionate towards yourself?
At the end of every podcast, I'm going to be sharing an experiment; something that you can try right away. So, give it a try. See if it fits. This week's experiment is a future-self exercise. I encourage you to do this when you're in a calm state away from distractions.
I recorded a quick five-minute meditation to help you get in the zone. The link is in the show notes. It's awesome. You're going to want to try it out to picture yourself, as your future self. Now, I want you to take a comfortable seat. Maybe, closing your eyes if you're comfortable.
Now, imagine yourself a year from now. You're the confident leader you want to be. How does that feel like? Pay attention to where that feeling shows up in your body. How do you start your day? What are you doing exactly? What are you not doing? Who's there with you? Where are you? What does your workspace look like? What do you do, first thing? What are you wearing? How are you showing up in meetings?
I want you to be as specific as you can. Really imagine yourself as that leader in a year. What is the one thing that you can do now, to help you get closer to that future self?
Now, this week, I want you to keep imagining yourself at the wheel of your car. How does it feel like to be at the wheel driving your car? Join me next week, as I dive deeper into dragon number one, overworking.
Have an amazing week, everyone. To celebrate the launch of the show, I'm going to be giving away a free five-minute meditation to everyone who subscribes, rates, and reviews the show, before December 31, 2022, to thank you for your feedback. This meditation will help you chill out, in real time, when your brain goes in overdrive.
I want your honest feedback on the podcast, so I can create an awesome show that resonates with you and provides tons of value. Visit annieframand.com/podcastlaunch to learn more about the giveaway and how to enter. And if you found this episode useful, I'd love for you to spread the word and share it with a woman you know who's also a new leader.
Thanks for listening to The Confident Female Leader podcast. Ready to dismantle the patriarchy with me? Come say hi at annieframand.com to learn more about how you can take this work deeper and apply what you're learning.
Welcome to The Confident Female Leader podcast. A space for ambitious women stepping into leadership, who are ready to take control of their circumstances and own their magic. If you're ready to start shedding your self-doubt, come into your new identity as a leader, and stop consistently undervaluing yourself so you can feel more confident in your role, this show’s for you. I'm Annie Framand; Psychologist, Certified Feminist Coach and Master Trainer. And I'm on a mission to help women just like you stop overworking, overthinking, and overpleasing, so you can start creating success on your terms. Ready to create your dream life? Let's go.
Hola amigas, bienvenido. And, welcome to The Confident Female Leader podcast. I'm Annie, and I'm thrilled to welcome you into this space, where we'll be geeking out about all things leadership and brains, and having fun along the way. I'm recording this in sunny Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, where I've been living for a year now, and I'm loving every single minute of it.
My journey from Canada to Mexico got me thinking about the journey into leadership. Now, leaving a place or a job where you're comfortable and moving into a new place or job inevitably brings up discomfort, especially if it's a whole other country or a whole other job, where you go from just leading yourself to leading a bunch of people.
So, today we're going to be chatting about the specific struggles faced by women transitioning from expert to leader, or as I like to call them, “the dragons” of overdoing, perfectionism, and people pleasing. If you're like me, and you like to take notes when you're listening to a podcast, I got you.
No need to stop the car on the side of the road, to stop walking, or stop doing the dishes, to jot down your favorite things. Just keep on listening and click on the link in the show notes after, to get the full transcript of this episode. It's that easy.
So, my favorite books growing up were the Choose Your Own Adventure books. It was so fun. Like, you got to choose which role you wanted to take on for the adventure. At certain points in the book, there were forks in the road where you got to decide which way you wanted to go. And depending on your choice, you would go to a different page number.
Now eventually, all your choices would lead you to a different ending, than if you had chosen something else. So, if you went down a certain path, for example, you'd meet a wizard. And then on another, a dragon, and so on. And, leadership is like that. As a leader, you get to choose your own adventure, with every single decision you make.
Now, I see my clients face three “dragons,” over and over again, as they step into the leadership adventure. And I'm sure you can relate to this, as well. So, dragon number one is overworking. If you have thoughts like, “I'm not doing enough. I have to do it all,” you're struggling with this one.
You're going to feel the pressure to do more, to prove yourself, and you're going to base your self-worth on what you deliver. So basically, you tend to overdo.
Now, dragon number two, is people pleasing. If you think, “I'm not enough.” If you feel the pressure to be more, to be liked, to keep everyone happy, and if your sense of self-worth is dependent on what other people think, then you're facing this dragon. You tend to over give, you don't set boundaries, you don't ask for help, and you work on other people's priorities.
Now, dragon number three, is perfectionism. If you frequently think, “I don't know enough. I don't know how.” If you feel the pressure to know more, to be right, to get it right. Or, if your sense of self-worth is derived from what you know. If you tend to overthink. If you think about work outside of working hours, then this is your dragon.
Some of us face one, other’s two. And if you're like me and most of my clients, not gonna lie, it's all three. This podcast is a place to understand what goes on in women's brains when we become leaders. Why, as women, we struggle with those three dragons? What we can do about it, using the feminist lens and applying it to leadership.
You'll learn some practical tools to decondition from the patriarchy within, so that you can make the best decisions, that best serve you and your team, and end up where you want to go on your adventure. Now, on this podcast, I'll share my secrets; the things I learned on my own and wish someone had told me when I became a leader.
I want you to take what resonates with you and leave what doesn't. And I encourage you to approach everything like it's a mini-experiment; try it on and only take what fits. It's a podcast I wish I had when I stepped into leadership years ago.
My leadership adventure began 15 years ago, when I was asked to open and manage an office for the consulting firm where I was working. As a psychologist, I felt that I understood human behavior pretty good. And I also knew the best practices and leadership. But when I became a leader myself, I was like, “Holy shit, what do I do now?” It was a whole other ballgame.
I didn't know the first things about financials or budgets. And now, I had a P&L and eight employees to manage. So, all my mind drama and my anxieties came to the surface, all of the crippling self-doubt. On the surface, I looked really confident. But underneath, I felt like an impostor. I was constantly worried that I said or did something wrong. I obsessed over my team liking me.
I was pretty much thinking about work all the time. I thought there was a right way to lead. That all I had to do was to figure it out. And spoiler alert, actually, there is no one right way, or a right way, period. More on that later.
I inevitably made some mistakes along the way. And through trial and error, I figured out what worked for me and my team. I found my footing, eventually. Back then, there were very few resources specifically for female leaders. And let's be honest, there's still very few for women becoming leaders for the first time.
Last year, when I ended my 25-year career in corporate, I knew I wanted to help ambitious women like me, navigate that transition from expert to leader, and be a guide on their adventure. And now, I exclusively coach women who are new leaders.
The transition from expert to leader is the most challenging one from my own personal experience. But also, for most of the leaders I assessed, coached, and taught, over the years. You go from being the one who has the answers, to the one who gets shit done through others; it's pretty much a mindfuck.
When women are promoted into a leadership role, the celebration lasts usually a few hours, sometimes a few days. And then the self-doubt starts to creep in, and sometimes even comes crashing down. Right? You start to feel inadequate. You're gonna question your decisions. You obsess over how to have an honest conversation without sounding like a bitch. You feel overwhelmed.
And you might even start to question why they promoted you in the first place, and why you accepted. You're not as present with your family and friends. And sometimes, you wake up with work on your mind, or you have trouble falling asleep. When we feel uncertain about something, we have a threat response.
Of course, learning a new role comes with a lot of uncertainty. How do I have a performance conversation? How do I delegate this task, and to who? And, how can I best motivate my team? The list goes on. Thing is, our brains can’t distinguish between a real and an unreal threat.
Our brain reacts the same way, whether we see a bear in front of us or whether we don't know what to say in a meeting. And our brains react quickly in the same way, to keep us safe. Basically, when we perceive a threat, a part of the brain, called the HPA, triggers the production and release of cortisol preparing our body for action. That increases our blood pressure, our heart rate, and our breathing, to combat the bear or the boss, or to flee the scene. It's basically the flight-or-fight response.
Now, in that process, the neurotransmitters that are released suppress the activity in the frontal lobe, which is basically our brain’s CEO. And that means, that our focus or short-term memory and our rational thinking are all depleted, making it challenging to handle social interactions elegantly or solve problems.
So, if you're finding yourself exhausted at the end of the day, and you have trouble making decisions, and you'd rather hide in a cave than talk to anyone, that's why. Now, women's and men's brains react differently to a threat. Men's brains have evolved to be very focused and linear in processing. So direct action, like debating, is going to help men use up their excess adrenaline.
Whereas, women's brains remember the details of what happened. And we want to talk it through, and that releases oxytocin. That helps us feel close to people. And serotonin, which is calming. So, talking to a trusted adviser, like a mentor or a coach, is going to help women process.
Leadership is like you're going on a road trip to the beach with your boss, your employees, and your colleagues. You just got your driver's license; you want to prove to yourself and everyone else that you can get them safely to destination. So, you do it all.
You drive day and night while everyone in the back is laughing and telling stories. Heck, you even fill up the car yourself and you pay for the gas. So, during the trip, your boss keeps asking, “Are we there yet?” While you're driving, you're asking yourself if you're doing it right.
You notice Bob, in accounting, giving you a look when you took that right turn half an hour ago, and you're wondering what he was thinking. Did you remember to signal your turn? And you hope that you don't have to parallel park in three hours, because when you get to the beach, you suck at parallel parking. Right? You think back to when you almost failed your exam because of it.
And while you're in your head, you almost hit an animal running across the street. And of course, you give yourself shit for being such a terrible driver, even though it's only your first trip. Meanwhile, Arpita, from marketing, tells you she's cold. Bob, from accounting, wakes up and asks you to stop because he needs to use the restroom, again. And everyone rolls their eyes and asks if he can hold it in.
It seems that no matter what you do, you can't make everyone happy. And you're so tired from all the driving that you stay in the van to take a nap while everyone heads to the beach to have some fun under the sun. Does that sound familiar? I get it.
That was me; trying to do it all, thinking about work outside of work, and bending over backwards to make everyone happy. The thing is, there's always going to be someone who doesn't agree with your decisions. Someone who isn't happy. Someone who thinks you should have turned left when you turned right.
And as women, when we're promoted into leadership, we feel pulled in different directions. We often forget that we're at the wheel of the car. So, imagine if you could get to the beach rested, and looking forward to enjoying the day with your team. What would that look like?
Maybe you could ask everyone to take turns driving, instead of doing it all yourself? Maybe you could decide if you want the radio on or not; it's your van, you're driving it. Do you want the A/C on or not? When you try to please everyone in the car with you, you end up being a passenger in your own car.
Where are you compromising yourself to please others? Do you finish late to help your colleagues on their urgent project, only to be late to dinner with your family? Do you drive back from work replaying every word of a performance conversation, just like I did many times?
So, I looked at the definition of confidence, which is a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. A confident leader sets and achieves challenging goals, promptly deals with issues and conflicts, and trust herself to make the best decisions. So basically, a confident leader is her own authority.
She looks inside of herself, instead of outside, for answers or validation. Now, women are taught from a young age to look outside themselves for the answers. Whether that be a teacher, a book, a parent, or society. We're taught that there's a right answer. We're taught to be nice, to be liked, to follow the rules, to be the good girl.
Like me and my clients, you likely hustled to get the best grades you could in school; you got the right answers, you hustled your way to the top, you became an expert in your job, or a top performer in a competitive field. Now, the number one mistake I see women make when they get promoted, and it's a mistake I made myself, to be honest, is thinking that there's a right way to lead. There isn't.
Leadership is a whole other ballgame. It's an identity shift. It's like becoming a parent, you only had you to think of before. And now, you have to consider the needs of others who are, in a way, depending on you. Like, there's no one right way to be a parent. It varies from parent to parent, and child to child. There's as many ways to lead as there are leaders, and employees. There's no one size fits all, right?
It's like when you're shopping, you see a bunch of clothes in the store, you try them on; some fit, some don't. Now, as you learn leadership, some practices are going to work for you and your team, and some won't. And some things will work at first, and then they won't, as your team grows or as the dynamic shifts.
And the way that you lead is going to be unique, because you're a unique person, and everyone on your team is, as well. So, in the next three episodes, we're going to be taking a deeper dive into the three dragons of overworking, perfectionism, and people pleasing, and what you can do to slay them.
I'll be taking you on the journey to becoming a confident woman who deeply trusts herself. You're going to start to choose what to do, versus putting pressure on yourself to do it all. You're gonna learn to face the discomfort that comes from having honest conversations, instead of compromising yourself to make everyone around you, and their mother, happy.
You'll go from struggling to get it all perfect, to learning from your mistakes and moving on. In the words of one of my clients, “to some extent, we all feel the same. We struggle with self-doubt and impostor syndrome. What's important, is that we keep showing up for ourselves every day.”
So, today, I went to Office Depot. The first time I went there, a year ago, I was sweating, and it wasn't just because of the Mexican heat. I was super nervous, right? I hardly spoke any Spanish. I had to use Google Translate to read the labels. And I even had to ask them a couple of times, to repeat it at the cash.
I pretty much sounded like a five-year-old when I spoke, “Me want that.” Actually, I probably said, “Me that.” And learning a new language, like learning to lead, makes you humble, that's for sure. Today, it hit me as I was leaving the cash, the whole process was seamless. I didn't even have to think twice. I was able to understand easily and speak without sounding like a five-year-old?
Actually, I probably sounded more like a teenager. Right? I don't use that many words, but I use them well. And, I rarely had to take out my phone to use Google Translate anymore. Alright? So, I'm still learning Spanish, and I will be for a while still, but it's no longer as uncomfortable. For myself, as well as every woman I've coached, there's a moment when it clicks. When you suddenly feel more comfortable than uncomfortable, as a new leader. And, it becomes much easier from there.
As I left the Office Depot, a man asked me, “Do you speak Spanish?” To which, I confidently answered, “Yes, yes, I do.” “How much is cien pesos?” “One hundred,” I said. “Thanks. Have a nice day.” And, off I went.
Be where you are. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Give yourself a break. Loosen the grip. See if you can soften and relax into the process of becoming a leader. It will become easier with time, I promise. You're learning to be a leader. How can you give yourself space and grace as you learn? How could you be compassionate towards yourself?
At the end of every podcast, I'm going to be sharing an experiment; something that you can try right away. So, give it a try. See if it fits. This week's experiment is a future-self exercise. I encourage you to do this when you're in a calm state away from distractions.
I recorded a quick five-minute meditation to help you get in the zone. The link is in the show notes. It's awesome. You're going to want to try it out to picture yourself, as your future self. Now, I want you to take a comfortable seat. Maybe, closing your eyes if you're comfortable.
Now, imagine yourself a year from now. You're the confident leader you want to be. How does that feel like? Pay attention to where that feeling shows up in your body. How do you start your day? What are you doing exactly? What are you not doing? Who's there with you? Where are you? What does your workspace look like? What do you do, first thing? What are you wearing? How are you showing up in meetings?
I want you to be as specific as you can. Really imagine yourself as that leader in a year. What is the one thing that you can do now, to help you get closer to that future self?
Now, this week, I want you to keep imagining yourself at the wheel of your car. How does it feel like to be at the wheel driving your car? Join me next week, as I dive deeper into dragon number one, overworking.
Have an amazing week, everyone. To celebrate the launch of the show, I'm going to be giving away a free five-minute meditation to everyone who subscribes, rates, and reviews the show, before December 31, 2022, to thank you for your feedback. This meditation will help you chill out, in real time, when your brain goes in overdrive.
I want your honest feedback on the podcast, so I can create an awesome show that resonates with you and provides tons of value. Visit annieframand.com/podcastlaunch to learn more about the giveaway and how to enter. And if you found this episode useful, I'd love for you to spread the word and share it with a woman you know who's also a new leader.
Thanks for listening to The Confident Female Leader podcast. Ready to dismantle the patriarchy with me? Come say hi at annieframand.com to learn more about how you can take this work deeper and apply what you're learning.
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