14. Essential Lessons for New Leaders
Do you love being inspired by lessons other people share from their journeys? I have been inspired and touched by a number of people over the years in all kinds of industries, and when I dig deep into these nuggets, there’s so much wisdom to unpack.
A lot of what I’m sharing today is advice I wish I had when I was first starting my career. These pearls of wisdom will help you see your strengths, what you have to offer as a leader, and how to make the most out of your career.
Tune in this week because I’m sharing some nuggets of wisdom from the coaches and authors that have inspired me the most, and this episode is setting the scene for next week where I’ll be sharing my own wisdom from 25 years of working experience.
You want to become more confident in your new leadership role like, yesterday, but all those courses you want to take and books you want to read are still on your ever-growing To do list… I mean, you have deadlines to meet. That’s where I come in. I currently have a few spots open for 1:1 coaching to help you meet your goals, faster. It’s like having your very own personal trainer for your brain. Apply here to work with me.
What You’ll Learn From This Episode:
Why I wish I’d known earlier in my career that the secret to success is being more of who you are.
How we waste energy by trying to change ourselves, when the reality is that some people just aren’t going to like us.
What you can do to discover and double-down on your strengths.
The value of deciding what you really want out of life with your precious time on Earth.
Why there is no such thing as achieving perfection as a leader.
How to see and appreciate what you’ve created in your career.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
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To thank you for being a listener and supporter of The Confident Female Leader, I am sharing a free guided meditation with you! Download your meditation here.
Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas
The Third Door by Alex Banayan
Full Episode Transcript:
Today, I'm going to be sharing some nuggets of wisdom from the coaches and the authors who have inspired me. Enjoy.
Welcome to The Confident Female Leader podcast. A space for ambitious women stepping into leadership, who are ready to take control of their circumstances and own their magic. If you're ready to start shedding your self-doubt, come into your new identity as a leader, and stop consistently undervaluing yourself so you can feel more confident in your role, this show’s for you.
I'm Annie Framand; Psychologist, Certified Feminist Coach and Master Trainer. And I'm on a mission to help women just like you stop overworking, overthinking, and overpleasing, so you can start creating success on your terms. Ready to create your dream life? Let's go.
Hola amigas. How are you? I am doing so good. Last weekend, we had a friend's birthday party and we ended up singing karaoke. You should have seen me singing 4 Non Blondes with a friend. It was really funny. I am definitely not the best singer. But I really am entertaining when I sing, though.
And actually, the police came around midnight, which is very strange, because we're in Mexico. And some people have parties with very, very loud music. Sometimes early in the morning, strangely. And other times late at night, up until like 2, 3, 4, or even 5 in the morning. I've never heard of the police showing up at any party. So, they came for us. And I think it's just because a lot of people were singing really badly; not going to lie.
Alright, so let's talk about our nuggets of wisdom. This week, I'm going to be sharing some nuggets of wisdom from the coaches and authors who have inspired me. Next week, I'm going to be sharing my own nuggets of wisdom from my 25 years of work experience, and 48 years on this earth. Time flies. If you are like me, inspired by other people's journeys, listen in, I've got some good nuggets for you.
These are in random order. The first one is from Sally Hogshead. She is a marketer, actually. And she says to become more successful, become more of who you are, don't change who you are. I really wish I would have known this one earlier on in my career, to be honest. Actually, all of these.
And really, the advice I would have wanted to give my younger self is to stop trying to course-correct every little detail according to everyone's thoughts about me. I would have liked to tell my younger self, “Some people are going to think you're too direct. And some people are going to love your tell-it-like-it-is vibe. But just be who you are. Stop trying to be diplomatic, to please everyone, and for everyone to like you.” That's what I would have liked to tell myself.
And actually, I would have liked to tell my younger self, “You know what? At the end of your 25 years of work in corporate, you're actually going to get a prize for your courage and candor.” So, I would have wasted a lot less energy trying to change myself and I would have just shown up as I am.
See, this other thing is kind of like the bell curve; 20% of the people will not like you, 20% are going to love you no matter what you say or do. And 60% actually won't really care. Or, some days they are going to like you, some days not so much. It really will depend on the day.
So, if you want to know what your strengths are, I highly suggest the StrengthsFinder by Gallup. It's a tool that I use with my clients, and it really is so good. You've got 34 themes, and the assessment gives you your Top 10.
Okay, for example, my number one strength is Achiever. Now, what that means is that I'm built to go fast and get shit done. I am not built to be patient. So, I'm really fantastic at starting projects. I love to initiate and I'm really good at it. But I'm not the best at maintaining projects, right? When it becomes kind of that day-to-day maintenance phase, I need to pass on the project to someone else. I am not great at that.
Had I known that before, earlier in my career, I would have not tried to fit myself into roles like project manager that really were not designed for me and my strengths. Now, if you want to know what your strengths are, it's a really good idea to maybe ask people around you what they think your strengths are. Or, do an assessment like that one.
And my advice here, is double down on your strengths. It will require a lot less energy from you. You will really much prefer what you're doing and you will be successful a lot faster as well. Right?
Some people have woo in their strengths; that's the definition of StrengthsFinder. And those people are often really, really good at sales. They're good at wooing an audience or wooing clients. Right? And so, some people are really analytical, others are really consistent. We all have different strengths.
The second nugget of wisdom is, your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and your intuition. Now, this one is from Steve Jobs. This is the thing; you will not be unanimously liked. Stop wasting your time trying to be.
Are you living the life of someone else or are you living the life that you want? And that is a question that I wish I had asked myself much earlier on. Now, eventually, I have to say, I started realizing what I really wanted from my life, and then I went for it. But it did take me a while.
And so, are you living the life your mom or your husband want from you, for example? Or, are you doing what you want? Actually, I'm recording this episode on St. Valentine's Day, on February 14. I buried my dad exactly 10 years ago today on Valentine's Day. He died suddenly at 66 from an aneurysm. For me, that's always a reminder of time being limited, right?
Every single day that we have on this earth is precious. And so, do what you want. Do what makes you happy. It's not always easy. I remember when I wanted to become a psychologist, which I eventually did. My mom actually cried.
She said, “What are you doing with your life? You're so good in math. Like, you could be an actuary like your dad, or at least an accountant,” her words, “Or, a math teacher. Why are you wanting to become a psychologist? You're going to be poor.” And so, of course, my mom equated being a psychologist with being poor, which makes no sense. But that was just her frame of reference.
And then, later on in life, I decided to learn to teach yoga when I was in my early 40s. And then, my mom was like, “What are you doing with your life? You're going to be a yoga teacher now?” She had accepted that I was a psychologist. This is the thing; our parents, our loved ones, our friends or husbands, whatever, they want us to succeed. But it really is your life.
Alright. The third one is, don't let the noise of other people's opinions drown out your own inner voice. Similar to the previous one, but a little bit different. This one also from Steve Jobs. Now, this one specifically, people will disapprove of your decisions, for sure that will happen, okay?
They're either going to think, for example, as a leader or maybe as a parent or a spouse, they'll think that you spent too much or too little on this initiative or this project or this car, whatever it is. Or, as a leader, maybe they're going to think that you hire too many people or too little or the “wrong” people, and so on. Your decisions are always going to be questioned.
And the thing is, when we start out our career as a leader, we have an idea of what leadership should look like. Or, we spend a lot of time trying to figure out what we “should” do because we think there's a right answer. And so, we tend to drown out our own inner voice, our own truth.
We know the answers within more often than not, or we know who to ask them to get them. But often, what happens is we drown all of that out. And we start listening to the “shoulds”. And so, that's advice I wish I would have gotten way earlier in my life.
Next one, you need to let go of who you have known yourself to be, for the possibility of who you will become. This is actually from a book called Calling in “The One”. Which is actually a book around romantic relationships and calling in your partner. It's actually a great book, by the way, if you're single.
I read it last year, and I literally called in “The One”. Which is actually, the best relationship I've ever been in. But I didn't even finish the book. That being said, I read about half of it. And what I found really interesting in that book, it really is about “The One” is you.
It might sound cheesy, but once I realized that bit, I was fine. You are “The One” that you've been looking for. It really is actually self-love. And once you fall in love with yourself, you will find the right relationship for you.
That applies to work. It applies to finding a partner, or to friends, whatever it may be. And so, it really is, hey, we're on Valentine's Day, it really is about self-love. That is the longest and most important relationship you have; is the one with yourself, literally.
Okay. Coming back to that quote, you need to let go of you who you have known yourself to be, for the possibility of who you will become. Now, when we have a certain vision of who we are, a certain definition of who we are, often a certain title, it's really difficult to let that go because we see ourselves a certain way, and others see us a certain way.
So, it's kind of like a snake shedding its skin. Now, this is something that I've become really good at. The first time, it's kind of scary, but then the more you do this, the easier it becomes. Right? I graduated as a guidance counselor actually. I finished my master's in guidance counseling. But I never really practiced that profession.
I started in recruitment, my first job, did that for about a year. Then I became an HR generalist. So again, different jobs, still in HR, still working for a corporation, but very different roles. And interestingly enough, people who saw me as a recruiter, when I became a generalist, they were like, “Oh, you're an expert, you're not a generalist.” Again, the perceptions that people have of us are interesting.
Then I went into a consulting firm, became a business psychologist. And then, I was doing leadership assessments. Then I decided I wanted to lead a team. Actually, I was offered that job. So, I went from being an expert to becoming a leader of a team. Then I decided I wanted to do something else. And I went into leadership training.
So, people who saw me as an assessor had a really hard time wrapping their head around me as a corporate trainer. The important thing here is realizing that there always is kind of that path between who you are now and who you are becoming. And that there will be discomfort in between the two. Then I became a master trainer, so training other trainers. Then an executive coach. Then I taught yoga on the side, and I was doing it kind of like a side hustle. Then I became a life coach.
And again, my mom at this point was like, “What are you doing with your life? You’re becoming a life coach?” And now, I'm kind of starting to dabble into astrology and human design. So, we have these labels in our mind of who we are. And if we want to become something else or someone else, we need to let go of those labels. Because if we don't let go of those labels, others won't either.
Now, this is the next one. Life is not so much about getting what we want when we want it, as it is about appreciating what we have when we have it. Also, from Calling in “The One”. Now, here, what I want to say is, relax. You got the promotion, right? Enjoy the journey. Because often, what happens is we are so focused on the destination, we're so focused on the shore, that we don't enjoy the swim on the way to the shore.
We're so freaked out about am I doing this right? Have I gotten it right? What did I do right? What did I do wrong? What's happening? That we're not actually enjoying the role that we currently have. See in your current role, what are some of the things that you have? What are some of the maybe responsibilities, some of the interactions that you have, that you could be appreciating more?
The next one, I really wish I had known earlier, or understood earlier in my career, from my coach Kara Loewentheil; B- work is what grows a business. The same applies to leadership; B- work is what grows a leader. What I realize now, with my perfectionist brain, is trying to, for example, nail every post and “get it right”. You know, nail the perfect consult, those kinds of things.
And for you as a leader, trying to get that “perfect” script for the conversation or for the team meeting or for the presentation. There is actually no perfect way, there is no right way. What happens is that we tend to, as perfectionists, overwork. Partially because we are trying to get it perfect. We're trying to get the A+, but there is no grade. There is no A +.
There's no teacher that's going to come out from behind the desk and be like, “Okay, you got it perfect,” right? You get the grade. And so, the point here is, we want to get it out faster. We want to get used to making the mistakes. To failing, so we can see what works.
And the next one, emotion is energy in motion. Emotions are the fuel for our actions. And this one comes from Brooke Castillo. She's the owner of The Life Coach School. She taught my coach Kara, myself as well, something that's called The Model. It's very similar to cognitive behavioral therapy. And it basically is, our circumstances do not cause our feelings or thoughts about the circumstances. And then, the feeling is the fuel for our actions. And our actions create our results.
For example, let's say you have a team meeting circumstance, and your thought about that team meeting is, “Everyone here has more experience than me,” which leads you to feel intimidated. Okay, so it's not the team meeting itself that makes you feel intimidated, it's the thought that you have about the meeting.
And so, from the feeling of intimidation, you either don't say anything; and inaction is an action. And then, you beat yourself up for not speaking up, right? Telling yourself, “I should have said something.” And then the result of not saying anything, is that you don't gain experience. Because our results are always the extension of our thoughts. Okay?
So, our results prove our thoughts true. Basically, the confirmation bias that we talked about a few episodes ago. When you have the feel of being intimidated or feeling intimidated, the way that you show up and the actions that you take are going to be very different. Then the actions that you take from, for example, a feeling of confidence.
For example, the team meeting, same circumstance. The thought that you have about that is, “I'm learning leadership. I'm learning to become a leader,” then the feeling could be a feeling of confidence. And the action that stems from that feeling of confidence will be to speak up from confidence, when you're asked a question, or when you feel that you have something to say. And the result is you gain experience.
Okay, so the first model that we saw is an unintentional model, right? So basically, they're the thoughts that are running in our mind without us realizing them. And the second one, is more of an intentional model, where you get to create the results that you want. Alright?
Now, this one comes from Alex Banayan. Hopefully, I'm saying his name, right. He wrote the book, The Third Door. I'm going to leave you with this one, because I find that it really is a nice ending to all the other quotes that we've seen. Failure and success are two sides of the same coin. Be as unattached to the outcome, whether you succeed or fail.
The point is the journey. Learn from your successes and your failures. Just keep trying; the learning is in the trying. That's where the wisdom lies. And so, I can tell you, after 25 years of failing and succeeding, we actually learn from both. I've learned from my successes, and I've learned from my failures. I can tell you, I've failed a bunch as a leader. And I've also succeeded a bunch.
And so really, the only way that you are going to learn, the only way that you're going to get better is to show up. Right? The only way I'm going to become an excellent salsa dancer, is by taking dancing classes, salsa dancing classes, by showing up twice a week, every week, like I have been for three months.
And by being uncomfortable along the way, by messing up many times every single class until certain moves click. And then I'm going to be uncomfortable about more advanced moves. And I'm going to mess those up a bunch until I'm able to do those.
It's the same thing in leadership. Right? When you have those first, uncomfortable conversations, they sure feel like failures. Although, you know what is failure and what is success, right? It's very subjective. But then, you keep trying. You keep having conversations, and eventually it clicks and you're like, “Oh, I know how to do this now.” But the only way that you can learn to get better at having difficult conversations is to have them.
Alright, everyone. I would love to hear from you. What are your favorite wisdom nuggets? What have you learned from your coaches or your bosses or the people who have inspired you, the podcast, the books? I would love to hear from you. You can send me a DM or you can post.
Are you loving the podcast? I would love for you to rate and review it on Spotify or Apple podcasts so that more women can find it and share it with a woman you know who is a new leader.
Next week, I will be back with my own nuggets of wisdom. Have a great week, everyone.
Maybe you’re thinking, how did I get here? Or, I have no idea how to do this. And you don’t have time to read all the books and get all the trainings, on how to do this leadership thing. You have deadlines to meet and goals to crush. That’s where I come in. I currently have a few spots open for one-on-one coaching. It’s like having your very own personal trainer for your brain.
In just three months, I help you become more confident in your leadership role faster, and with less drama. We work on mindset to help you stop drowning under all of the tasks you have to do, and stop worrying about every email and conversation. We also work on skill sets like, “How, exactly, do I delegate this task to Sally? How do I tell Bob about all those mistakes he has been making?”
Go to www.AnnieFramand.com to book your free 30-minute consult to see if we're a good fit. See you there.
Thanks for listening to The Confident Female Leader podcast. Ready to dismantle the patriarchy with me? Come say “Hi” at AnnieFramand.com to learn more about how you can take this work deeper and apply what you're learning.
Welcome to The Confident Female Leader podcast. A space for ambitious women stepping into leadership, who are ready to take control of their circumstances and own their magic. If you're ready to start shedding your self-doubt, come into your new identity as a leader, and stop consistently undervaluing yourself so you can feel more confident in your role, this show’s for you.
I'm Annie Framand; Psychologist, Certified Feminist Coach and Master Trainer. And I'm on a mission to help women just like you stop overworking, overthinking, and overpleasing, so you can start creating success on your terms. Ready to create your dream life? Let's go.
Hola amigas. How are you? I am doing so good. Last weekend, we had a friend's birthday party and we ended up singing karaoke. You should have seen me singing 4 Non Blondes with a friend. It was really funny. I am definitely not the best singer. But I really am entertaining when I sing, though.
And actually, the police came around midnight, which is very strange, because we're in Mexico. And some people have parties with very, very loud music. Sometimes early in the morning, strangely. And other times late at night, up until like 2, 3, 4, or even 5 in the morning. I've never heard of the police showing up at any party. So, they came for us. And I think it's just because a lot of people were singing really badly; not going to lie.
Alright, so let's talk about our nuggets of wisdom. This week, I'm going to be sharing some nuggets of wisdom from the coaches and authors who have inspired me. Next week, I'm going to be sharing my own nuggets of wisdom from my 25 years of work experience, and 48 years on this earth. Time flies. If you are like me, inspired by other people's journeys, listen in, I've got some good nuggets for you.
These are in random order. The first one is from Sally Hogshead. She is a marketer, actually. And she says to become more successful, become more of who you are, don't change who you are. I really wish I would have known this one earlier on in my career, to be honest. Actually, all of these.
And really, the advice I would have wanted to give my younger self is to stop trying to course-correct every little detail according to everyone's thoughts about me. I would have liked to tell my younger self, “Some people are going to think you're too direct. And some people are going to love your tell-it-like-it-is vibe. But just be who you are. Stop trying to be diplomatic, to please everyone, and for everyone to like you.” That's what I would have liked to tell myself.
And actually, I would have liked to tell my younger self, “You know what? At the end of your 25 years of work in corporate, you're actually going to get a prize for your courage and candor.” So, I would have wasted a lot less energy trying to change myself and I would have just shown up as I am.
See, this other thing is kind of like the bell curve; 20% of the people will not like you, 20% are going to love you no matter what you say or do. And 60% actually won't really care. Or, some days they are going to like you, some days not so much. It really will depend on the day.
So, if you want to know what your strengths are, I highly suggest the StrengthsFinder by Gallup. It's a tool that I use with my clients, and it really is so good. You've got 34 themes, and the assessment gives you your Top 10.
Okay, for example, my number one strength is Achiever. Now, what that means is that I'm built to go fast and get shit done. I am not built to be patient. So, I'm really fantastic at starting projects. I love to initiate and I'm really good at it. But I'm not the best at maintaining projects, right? When it becomes kind of that day-to-day maintenance phase, I need to pass on the project to someone else. I am not great at that.
Had I known that before, earlier in my career, I would have not tried to fit myself into roles like project manager that really were not designed for me and my strengths. Now, if you want to know what your strengths are, it's a really good idea to maybe ask people around you what they think your strengths are. Or, do an assessment like that one.
And my advice here, is double down on your strengths. It will require a lot less energy from you. You will really much prefer what you're doing and you will be successful a lot faster as well. Right?
Some people have woo in their strengths; that's the definition of StrengthsFinder. And those people are often really, really good at sales. They're good at wooing an audience or wooing clients. Right? And so, some people are really analytical, others are really consistent. We all have different strengths.
The second nugget of wisdom is, your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and your intuition. Now, this one is from Steve Jobs. This is the thing; you will not be unanimously liked. Stop wasting your time trying to be.
Are you living the life of someone else or are you living the life that you want? And that is a question that I wish I had asked myself much earlier on. Now, eventually, I have to say, I started realizing what I really wanted from my life, and then I went for it. But it did take me a while.
And so, are you living the life your mom or your husband want from you, for example? Or, are you doing what you want? Actually, I'm recording this episode on St. Valentine's Day, on February 14. I buried my dad exactly 10 years ago today on Valentine's Day. He died suddenly at 66 from an aneurysm. For me, that's always a reminder of time being limited, right?
Every single day that we have on this earth is precious. And so, do what you want. Do what makes you happy. It's not always easy. I remember when I wanted to become a psychologist, which I eventually did. My mom actually cried.
She said, “What are you doing with your life? You're so good in math. Like, you could be an actuary like your dad, or at least an accountant,” her words, “Or, a math teacher. Why are you wanting to become a psychologist? You're going to be poor.” And so, of course, my mom equated being a psychologist with being poor, which makes no sense. But that was just her frame of reference.
And then, later on in life, I decided to learn to teach yoga when I was in my early 40s. And then, my mom was like, “What are you doing with your life? You're going to be a yoga teacher now?” She had accepted that I was a psychologist. This is the thing; our parents, our loved ones, our friends or husbands, whatever, they want us to succeed. But it really is your life.
Alright. The third one is, don't let the noise of other people's opinions drown out your own inner voice. Similar to the previous one, but a little bit different. This one also from Steve Jobs. Now, this one specifically, people will disapprove of your decisions, for sure that will happen, okay?
They're either going to think, for example, as a leader or maybe as a parent or a spouse, they'll think that you spent too much or too little on this initiative or this project or this car, whatever it is. Or, as a leader, maybe they're going to think that you hire too many people or too little or the “wrong” people, and so on. Your decisions are always going to be questioned.
And the thing is, when we start out our career as a leader, we have an idea of what leadership should look like. Or, we spend a lot of time trying to figure out what we “should” do because we think there's a right answer. And so, we tend to drown out our own inner voice, our own truth.
We know the answers within more often than not, or we know who to ask them to get them. But often, what happens is we drown all of that out. And we start listening to the “shoulds”. And so, that's advice I wish I would have gotten way earlier in my life.
Next one, you need to let go of who you have known yourself to be, for the possibility of who you will become. This is actually from a book called Calling in “The One”. Which is actually a book around romantic relationships and calling in your partner. It's actually a great book, by the way, if you're single.
I read it last year, and I literally called in “The One”. Which is actually, the best relationship I've ever been in. But I didn't even finish the book. That being said, I read about half of it. And what I found really interesting in that book, it really is about “The One” is you.
It might sound cheesy, but once I realized that bit, I was fine. You are “The One” that you've been looking for. It really is actually self-love. And once you fall in love with yourself, you will find the right relationship for you.
That applies to work. It applies to finding a partner, or to friends, whatever it may be. And so, it really is, hey, we're on Valentine's Day, it really is about self-love. That is the longest and most important relationship you have; is the one with yourself, literally.
Okay. Coming back to that quote, you need to let go of you who you have known yourself to be, for the possibility of who you will become. Now, when we have a certain vision of who we are, a certain definition of who we are, often a certain title, it's really difficult to let that go because we see ourselves a certain way, and others see us a certain way.
So, it's kind of like a snake shedding its skin. Now, this is something that I've become really good at. The first time, it's kind of scary, but then the more you do this, the easier it becomes. Right? I graduated as a guidance counselor actually. I finished my master's in guidance counseling. But I never really practiced that profession.
I started in recruitment, my first job, did that for about a year. Then I became an HR generalist. So again, different jobs, still in HR, still working for a corporation, but very different roles. And interestingly enough, people who saw me as a recruiter, when I became a generalist, they were like, “Oh, you're an expert, you're not a generalist.” Again, the perceptions that people have of us are interesting.
Then I went into a consulting firm, became a business psychologist. And then, I was doing leadership assessments. Then I decided I wanted to lead a team. Actually, I was offered that job. So, I went from being an expert to becoming a leader of a team. Then I decided I wanted to do something else. And I went into leadership training.
So, people who saw me as an assessor had a really hard time wrapping their head around me as a corporate trainer. The important thing here is realizing that there always is kind of that path between who you are now and who you are becoming. And that there will be discomfort in between the two. Then I became a master trainer, so training other trainers. Then an executive coach. Then I taught yoga on the side, and I was doing it kind of like a side hustle. Then I became a life coach.
And again, my mom at this point was like, “What are you doing with your life? You’re becoming a life coach?” And now, I'm kind of starting to dabble into astrology and human design. So, we have these labels in our mind of who we are. And if we want to become something else or someone else, we need to let go of those labels. Because if we don't let go of those labels, others won't either.
Now, this is the next one. Life is not so much about getting what we want when we want it, as it is about appreciating what we have when we have it. Also, from Calling in “The One”. Now, here, what I want to say is, relax. You got the promotion, right? Enjoy the journey. Because often, what happens is we are so focused on the destination, we're so focused on the shore, that we don't enjoy the swim on the way to the shore.
We're so freaked out about am I doing this right? Have I gotten it right? What did I do right? What did I do wrong? What's happening? That we're not actually enjoying the role that we currently have. See in your current role, what are some of the things that you have? What are some of the maybe responsibilities, some of the interactions that you have, that you could be appreciating more?
The next one, I really wish I had known earlier, or understood earlier in my career, from my coach Kara Loewentheil; B- work is what grows a business. The same applies to leadership; B- work is what grows a leader. What I realize now, with my perfectionist brain, is trying to, for example, nail every post and “get it right”. You know, nail the perfect consult, those kinds of things.
And for you as a leader, trying to get that “perfect” script for the conversation or for the team meeting or for the presentation. There is actually no perfect way, there is no right way. What happens is that we tend to, as perfectionists, overwork. Partially because we are trying to get it perfect. We're trying to get the A+, but there is no grade. There is no A +.
There's no teacher that's going to come out from behind the desk and be like, “Okay, you got it perfect,” right? You get the grade. And so, the point here is, we want to get it out faster. We want to get used to making the mistakes. To failing, so we can see what works.
And the next one, emotion is energy in motion. Emotions are the fuel for our actions. And this one comes from Brooke Castillo. She's the owner of The Life Coach School. She taught my coach Kara, myself as well, something that's called The Model. It's very similar to cognitive behavioral therapy. And it basically is, our circumstances do not cause our feelings or thoughts about the circumstances. And then, the feeling is the fuel for our actions. And our actions create our results.
For example, let's say you have a team meeting circumstance, and your thought about that team meeting is, “Everyone here has more experience than me,” which leads you to feel intimidated. Okay, so it's not the team meeting itself that makes you feel intimidated, it's the thought that you have about the meeting.
And so, from the feeling of intimidation, you either don't say anything; and inaction is an action. And then, you beat yourself up for not speaking up, right? Telling yourself, “I should have said something.” And then the result of not saying anything, is that you don't gain experience. Because our results are always the extension of our thoughts. Okay?
So, our results prove our thoughts true. Basically, the confirmation bias that we talked about a few episodes ago. When you have the feel of being intimidated or feeling intimidated, the way that you show up and the actions that you take are going to be very different. Then the actions that you take from, for example, a feeling of confidence.
For example, the team meeting, same circumstance. The thought that you have about that is, “I'm learning leadership. I'm learning to become a leader,” then the feeling could be a feeling of confidence. And the action that stems from that feeling of confidence will be to speak up from confidence, when you're asked a question, or when you feel that you have something to say. And the result is you gain experience.
Okay, so the first model that we saw is an unintentional model, right? So basically, they're the thoughts that are running in our mind without us realizing them. And the second one, is more of an intentional model, where you get to create the results that you want. Alright?
Now, this one comes from Alex Banayan. Hopefully, I'm saying his name, right. He wrote the book, The Third Door. I'm going to leave you with this one, because I find that it really is a nice ending to all the other quotes that we've seen. Failure and success are two sides of the same coin. Be as unattached to the outcome, whether you succeed or fail.
The point is the journey. Learn from your successes and your failures. Just keep trying; the learning is in the trying. That's where the wisdom lies. And so, I can tell you, after 25 years of failing and succeeding, we actually learn from both. I've learned from my successes, and I've learned from my failures. I can tell you, I've failed a bunch as a leader. And I've also succeeded a bunch.
And so really, the only way that you are going to learn, the only way that you're going to get better is to show up. Right? The only way I'm going to become an excellent salsa dancer, is by taking dancing classes, salsa dancing classes, by showing up twice a week, every week, like I have been for three months.
And by being uncomfortable along the way, by messing up many times every single class until certain moves click. And then I'm going to be uncomfortable about more advanced moves. And I'm going to mess those up a bunch until I'm able to do those.
It's the same thing in leadership. Right? When you have those first, uncomfortable conversations, they sure feel like failures. Although, you know what is failure and what is success, right? It's very subjective. But then, you keep trying. You keep having conversations, and eventually it clicks and you're like, “Oh, I know how to do this now.” But the only way that you can learn to get better at having difficult conversations is to have them.
Alright, everyone. I would love to hear from you. What are your favorite wisdom nuggets? What have you learned from your coaches or your bosses or the people who have inspired you, the podcast, the books? I would love to hear from you. You can send me a DM or you can post.
Are you loving the podcast? I would love for you to rate and review it on Spotify or Apple podcasts so that more women can find it and share it with a woman you know who is a new leader.
Next week, I will be back with my own nuggets of wisdom. Have a great week, everyone.
Maybe you’re thinking, how did I get here? Or, I have no idea how to do this. And you don’t have time to read all the books and get all the trainings, on how to do this leadership thing. You have deadlines to meet and goals to crush. That’s where I come in. I currently have a few spots open for one-on-one coaching. It’s like having your very own personal trainer for your brain.
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