15. Wisdom I Wish I Could Share with My Younger Self
When you make the transition from expert to leader, it’s exciting. But especially early on, it’s easy to get scared by challenges you never anticipated, handling new dynamics, and having to find a new support system.
After 25 years in corporate, I can look back and see exactly how I could have handled some situations better as a new leader. In this episode, I’m sharing all of the wisdom I’ve learned over my career so you can make your own transition into leadership a smoother one.
Tune in this week to discover five nuggets of wisdom for new leaders. You will inevitably face discomfort as you begin a leadership role so I’m showing you how to start fostering confidence right now to handle the difficult times with more ease.
You want to become more confident in your new leadership role like, yesterday, but all those courses you want to take and books you want to read are still on your ever-growing To do list… I mean, you have deadlines to meet. That’s where I come in. I currently have a few spots open for 1:1 coaching to help you meet your goals, faster. It’s like having your very own personal trainer for your brain. Apply here to work with me.
What You’ll Learn From This Episode:
How moving into leadership is full of contrasting and conflicting emotions.
Why leadership is a journey you need to take step by step.
The importance of listening to what your gut is trying to tell you.
Why conversation is an art, not a science.
The lens you need to look at every situation through as a new leader.
How to build the kind of relationships you can leverage on your transition into leadership.
My tips for implementing the wisdom I’m sharing in your own career.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron
Full Episode Transcript:
This week I look back on my 25 years of experience in corporate and I share the top five things I wish I knew when I first became a leader.
Welcome to The Confident Female Leader podcast. A space for ambitious women stepping into leadership, who are ready to take control of their circumstances and own their magic. If you're ready to start shedding your self-doubt, come into your new identity as a leader, and stop consistently undervaluing yourself so you can feel more confident in your role, this show’s for you.
I'm Annie Framand; Psychologist, Certified Feminist Coach and Master Trainer. And I'm on a mission to help women just like you stop overworking, overthinking, and overpleasing, so you can start creating success on your terms. Ready to create your dream life? Let's go.
Hola amigas, how are you? I'm doing so, so good. Last weekend, my love and I went swimming with the dolphins. So cool, right? It's not something I had on my bucket list at first, not going to lie. But after actually doing it, I'm going to say it is for sure one of the top 10 experiences in my life. It's just this really magical experience.
So, we were on a small boat with about 10 other people. And we were in the middle of the ocean here, near Puerto Vallarta, so we were really in their home, which was awesome. It wasn't like going into this fake experience, we were really in the middle of the ocean.
We went into the water two by two. And the first time we went in, we actually splashed too much. We were the first two people to go in and we didn't really know how to go in. They tell you “suave”, which is like, you know, relax. And we just were so excited that we just jumped in and we scared them away.
So, the second time we went in was a success. One minute, I'm swimming towards them. And then the next, I'm literally surrounded by a family of dolphins. It was really, really exciting and breathtaking and scary all at the same time. I could hear the divemaster yelling from the boat, “Dive! Dive!” But I could see the dolphin right under me, not even a foot away. And let me tell you, they look a lot bigger up close than from the boat.
I got scared all of a sudden, with that dolphin right there under me and all the other ones surrounding me, and I just froze. And then the next minute, they were gone. And so, it got me thinking, transitioning into leadership is the same thing. Right?
You jump in the open water, and then you start swinging real fast towards your first challenge. And you're really excited, right? You just got this leadership job. And then maybe, you get scared. You're like, “Holy shit, how am I actually going to do this?”
And suddenly, this person who used to be your colleague, for example, with who you used to shoot the shit over lunch now seems kind of threatening to you because they're up close and you have to give them feedback on their performance. And then, you just freeze. It's normal, right? It's going to happen.
You will feel multiple feelings at once, like I did with the dolphins. Sometimes you're going to be excited. And then at the same time, you're going to be scared, confident, insecure, calm, and anxious. It's all part of the process; you will have multiple feelings at once.
The goal is to become more and more confident. But know that on your journey there, you will still feel insecurity, you will still feel uncertain about what you're doing. That's completely normal.
And so, we were able to go back in the water after our first swim with the dolphins, and we were able to play some hide-and-seek with them. It was so fun. Dolphins are among the most intelligent, the most joyful and playful animals.
And like me with the dolphins, eventually you're going to relax into the process. You're going to relax into the leadership adventure, and you will enjoy it. It may not seem like it now, but you eventually will have fun and enjoy the process; I promise.
Okay, so last week, I shared some of the golden nuggets of inspiration that I got from the people who inspired me on my journey. And this week, I want to look back on my 25 years of experience in corporate, and time flies, and share some of the things that I wish I knew when I first became a leader. So, it's in no specific order here. We're going to talk a little bit about the top five.
I would say the first thing that I wish I knew in retrospect; is don't be so hard on yourself. It's a process. You're doing a better job than you think. That's really the first thing I would tell myself when I look back on who I was almost 18 years ago, in my first leadership job.
And here, I want to share an example of something that happened actually this weekend. So, I went salsa dancing with my love and some friends. I am getting better, which is awesome. But of course, I'm still comparing myself to all of those amazing dancers on the dance floor, right? One of my friends, actually is a really good dancer so I asked her, “How long have you been dancing” And she said, “You know what? I've been dancing for five years now.”
I realized; you know what? I've been dancing for five months, not for five years. So, often what happens, is we tend to compare ourselves as we are learning, as we are at the beginning of our leadership journey. We tend to compare ourselves to the leaders that we admire. We watch them and we see them being such good motivators, and they're good at engaging others. They're great at presenting, they’re great at delegating, they're good at influencing.
And then, we beat ourselves up, for those of us who are perfectionists, because we already want to be there. So again, it's a process. Right? You will get there, but you need to practice, it is a journey. You need to do it step by step.
What happened this weekend when we went dancing, is that my first dance was not great. I was beating myself up the whole time that I was dancing because I felt rusty, and I hadn’t danced salsa for a little while. And so, it might feel like that sometimes, too. Just when you feel that you're nailing a skill, you're going to be like, “Oh, wow, this is great.” But then, the skill that you learned right before that, maybe you're going to be a little rusty on, right?
So, maybe you just read a book on how to influence and you feel that you're pretty good at being able to ask your boss for what you want. But maybe that course that you took on delegation is a little bit far away, right? And so, you struggle when you go to delegate with an employee. Because you're like, “Oh, gosh, you know, what are the steps again? I don't remember them.” So, it's a process.
The second thing I wish I knew then, is there is no right way. There's only your way. Tap into your intuition; when something feels off, trust it and ask questions. I used to think that there was this one right way to lead and to be, really. I used to buy all these books and take all these classes, and ask all of these different people how I should do things.
And then I just kind of realized, as I went on my journey, that I did things my way. And the way that I showed up, was very different than the way that somebody else showed up. I had some colleagues who had very different strengths than me. And, that's completely fine.
I'm someone who has an approach that is very inspiring and motivating and engaging. And another leader will have an approach that is maybe more strategic, or maybe more detail oriented, a more project management type style. And that's completely fine. Right? There's no one right way to do things.
I wish I had known before, to really listen to myself and to what my gut was telling me. If I'm having a conversation with an employee and something feels off, then I need to ask them, “What's going on?” Listen to the nonverbal cues that other people are giving you. Listen to your body; I would probably have used my body more than my head, right? We get all up in our heads.
Notice what the sensations in your body are. Are you starting to feel anxious? How does that show up in your body? Do you feel the other person's lying to you? If so, ask them questions.
It's just really tapping into what you're feeling. And just noticing if something feels off to you.
The other thing is, having conversations is an art, it's not a science. And really, the only way to get better at them is to have them, and like any skill, mastery comes with time. Practice saying the hard things and speak from your heart. The words will come.
You can't control the other person's reaction. You just need to leave space for it to be there. And often, we look for the right thing to say, but really, the only right thing to say, is say how you feel. For example, I once had a conversation with an employee who had been underperforming for a little while.
I started the conversation by saying, “You know what? I don't recognize you. What's going on?” And that was honest; that was me speaking from the heart, right? It was not me speaking from this manual of best practice of things to say to someone who's underperforming. It was me having a conversation with the individual in front of me.
What I've realized also, is you never really know how the other person is going to react. At one point in my career, I let go of many people in a transition. When I was in HR, I was managing mergers and acquisitions, and we were letting go of a lot of people because some positions were redundant.
I remember thinking, I was in the conversation with the leader, I was the HR representative, and I remember thinking that some employees that had been there for a while would be upset; they would be angry, they would maybe cry. And some of those individuals did have those reactions, and others were really zen about it. They were like, “Okay, show me my package.”
Some of those people wanted to leave for a while, the company, and they weren't taking the plunge, and so it gave them the opportunity to do what they wanted. And other people, who I thought might not have much of a reaction, actually did have an important reaction. They're the ones who got upset, screamed, and cried, when I wasn't expecting them to.
You never really know how people will react. I've had performance conversations with people who reacted really well and were like, “You know what? Yeah, I know. Thanks for telling me and I knew something was off, but I, couldn't put my finger on it.”
And other people will get really defensive from the get-go, right? That's completely normal, you can't manage their reaction. Their reaction is their reaction. Now, you can help them with it. You can be empathetic towards it. But know, that you need to leave space for it to be there. If the person's angry, let the anger be there. If the person is sad, let the sadness be there. Often what tends to happen, is we want to cover that reaction up. We don't want it to be there. And so, that's what becomes really uncomfortable.
Now, the other thing that I would have wanted to know, is master what you're good at and delegate the rest. Like, right now, be honest with yourself and others about what you can and can't do. Be vulnerable and ask for help. Don't try to be everything for everyone.
I think that's one thing that I learned, really with time. Probably as I was doing psychological leadership assessments at the beginning. I was assessing leaders; looking at what their strengths are. I was looking at what the gaps were based on certain competencies for the position. Based on what the organization was looking for.
If they were looking for a leader who was, for example, very methodical, very precise. Or, if they were looking for someone who was more strategic, big picture, or someone who's more creative. right. So, I would assess those competencies. And I feel, that that lens of always looking for the strengths and the gaps, created that within me; where I was always trying to adjust.
I knew exactly where I “fell short”, because we never really fall short. But I could see where the gaps were. And I was always trying to fill those gaps and get better at what I wasn't great at. But that takes a lot of energy.
And I realized; you know what? I'm an Achiever. I'm someone who has a bias for action. I'm great at getting things done. And I'm a Catalyst, I make things happen. I'm someone who's engaging. I'm great at energizing others. I'm great at motivating them to accomplish their goals. I'm a good presenter. I strive for excellence.
Now, I am not great with details and processes. I'm someone who has skipped steps, I forget things. And so, for years, I tried to get better at those things, and it was exhausting. So, I just realized; you know what? I need to find people in my team who are great at that. They will pick up on the details that I miss. They will pick up on the steps of the process that I haven't thought through. It is not a problem that I forget things, as long as someone picks it up at some point. Okay?
The last thing I want to say is, it's all about relationships. And I would give myself the advice: Spend less time developing your expertise and more time building, nurturing, and leveraging mutually beneficial relationships. I would tell myself, “You're going to get jobs, opportunities, and answers from your network; use it.”
When we look at research, we see that women tend to have more friends at work than men, on average. Whereas men tend to have more of a ‘scratch my back, I'll scratch yours’ type of relationship. And hey, guess what? This is not the only reason why, but men tend to advance a lot more than women, and a lot faster.
We've talked a lot about the patriarchy in the first few examples, and how the patriarchy holds us back, and how we ourselves hold ourselves back in consequence. But also, what I've seen in my own experience, in the research, is that relationships will help you advance your career.
Personal example here: I moved from Montreal to Toronto, in Canada. I was looking for a job when I got to Toronto. I knew five people. Now, this is a city of a few million individuals and I knew only five people, and had to find a job. What I did, is I leveraged those five people that I knew, and I went for lunch or coffee with them, one at a time. And out of those five relationships, I actually found a really good job.
It was actually the last job that I left; my last corporate job. And so, knowing only a handful of people enabled me to get an amazing job because I had built those relationships over time. I was able to come to a point where we had leveraged those relationships kind of back and forth. And I was able to leverage it in order to get a job.
And so, this week, what I would encourage you to do; a few things here. First of all, I'm going to suggest some experiences that you can do. This is from the book, The Artist's Way. I found these experiences to be super insightful, so I recommend them. And then, there's going to be a couple of things at the end, as well.
The first one is, describe yourself at 80. Be specific. What are you doing? What do you look like? Who are you with? What is your life like? Now, write a letter from yourself at 80, to you at your current age. What advice would you give yourself?
When I did this exercise, what I came up with is something like: Relax. Enjoy the process. There is no rush to get to the destination. Learn as much as you can along the way. Enjoy every minute of your life. Whatever you're struggling with now, you'll get past it; you’re strong. You only have one life, live yours. Tap into the part of yourself that you're scared of and let her lead the way; you'll be surprised by what you find. Get out of your head, and be more in your body.
Now, the second activity, is to remember yourself at eight years old. What did you like to do? What were your favorite things? Write a letter from yourself at eight, to yourself at your current age. What advice would you give yourself?
And again, just as an example, this is what mine looks like. This is quite eye opening if you actually do these exercises, because we tend to not look at perspectives from the future or from the past.
So, my letter to myself sounded something like this: You're a master of transformation. And when you set a goal, you don't give up. You'll go from being the shyest kid in class, to walking on a stage in front of 150 people, many times, and loving it. You'll go from avoiding any type of conflict to becoming really comfortable leading difficult conversations. You'll go from the last picked in team sports to teaching yoga at 42. And being the top one or two people, most weeks, in your CrossFit class at 48 years old.
And here, I want to quote Bev Aron, one of my coaches. “Discomfort is the currency of your dreams.” I have transformed quite a bit, in all areas of my life. My eight-year-old self would not recognize myself 40 years later. And I have to say that one of the reasons for that is because I was so willing to be comfortable in discomfort. To grow past who I was to become who I am now.
Now, how about you? What advice would you give your younger self? And you might want to ask someone who was an inspiration for you, what their advice to their younger self is. That's what I have for you this week, ladies.
Loving the podcast? I would love for you to rate and review it on Spotify or Apple Podcasts so more women can find it. And also, don't forget to share it with a woman who you know is a new leader. Have a wonderful week, everyone.
Maybe you’re thinking, how did I get here? Or, I have no idea how to do this. And you don’t have time to read all the books and get all the trainings, on how to do this leadership thing. You have deadlines to meet and goals to crush. That’s where I come in. I currently have a few spots open for one-on-one coaching. It’s like having your very own personal trainer for your brain.
In just three months, I help you become more confident in your leadership role faster, and with less drama. We work on mindset to help you stop drowning under all of the tasks you have to do, and stop worrying about every email and conversation. We also work on skill sets like, “How, exactly, do I delegate this task to Sally? How do I tell Bob about all those mistakes he has been making?”
Go to www.AnnieFramand.com to book your free 30-minute consult to see if we're a good fit. See you there.
Thanks for listening to The Confident Female Leader podcast. Ready to dismantle the patriarchy with me? Come say “Hi” at AnnieFramand.com to learn more about how you can take this work deeper and apply what you're learning.
Welcome to The Confident Female Leader podcast. A space for ambitious women stepping into leadership, who are ready to take control of their circumstances and own their magic. If you're ready to start shedding your self-doubt, come into your new identity as a leader, and stop consistently undervaluing yourself so you can feel more confident in your role, this show’s for you.
I'm Annie Framand; Psychologist, Certified Feminist Coach and Master Trainer. And I'm on a mission to help women just like you stop overworking, overthinking, and overpleasing, so you can start creating success on your terms. Ready to create your dream life? Let's go.
Hola amigas, how are you? I'm doing so, so good. Last weekend, my love and I went swimming with the dolphins. So cool, right? It's not something I had on my bucket list at first, not going to lie. But after actually doing it, I'm going to say it is for sure one of the top 10 experiences in my life. It's just this really magical experience.
So, we were on a small boat with about 10 other people. And we were in the middle of the ocean here, near Puerto Vallarta, so we were really in their home, which was awesome. It wasn't like going into this fake experience, we were really in the middle of the ocean.
We went into the water two by two. And the first time we went in, we actually splashed too much. We were the first two people to go in and we didn't really know how to go in. They tell you “suave”, which is like, you know, relax. And we just were so excited that we just jumped in and we scared them away.
So, the second time we went in was a success. One minute, I'm swimming towards them. And then the next, I'm literally surrounded by a family of dolphins. It was really, really exciting and breathtaking and scary all at the same time. I could hear the divemaster yelling from the boat, “Dive! Dive!” But I could see the dolphin right under me, not even a foot away. And let me tell you, they look a lot bigger up close than from the boat.
I got scared all of a sudden, with that dolphin right there under me and all the other ones surrounding me, and I just froze. And then the next minute, they were gone. And so, it got me thinking, transitioning into leadership is the same thing. Right?
You jump in the open water, and then you start swinging real fast towards your first challenge. And you're really excited, right? You just got this leadership job. And then maybe, you get scared. You're like, “Holy shit, how am I actually going to do this?”
And suddenly, this person who used to be your colleague, for example, with who you used to shoot the shit over lunch now seems kind of threatening to you because they're up close and you have to give them feedback on their performance. And then, you just freeze. It's normal, right? It's going to happen.
You will feel multiple feelings at once, like I did with the dolphins. Sometimes you're going to be excited. And then at the same time, you're going to be scared, confident, insecure, calm, and anxious. It's all part of the process; you will have multiple feelings at once.
The goal is to become more and more confident. But know that on your journey there, you will still feel insecurity, you will still feel uncertain about what you're doing. That's completely normal.
And so, we were able to go back in the water after our first swim with the dolphins, and we were able to play some hide-and-seek with them. It was so fun. Dolphins are among the most intelligent, the most joyful and playful animals.
And like me with the dolphins, eventually you're going to relax into the process. You're going to relax into the leadership adventure, and you will enjoy it. It may not seem like it now, but you eventually will have fun and enjoy the process; I promise.
Okay, so last week, I shared some of the golden nuggets of inspiration that I got from the people who inspired me on my journey. And this week, I want to look back on my 25 years of experience in corporate, and time flies, and share some of the things that I wish I knew when I first became a leader. So, it's in no specific order here. We're going to talk a little bit about the top five.
I would say the first thing that I wish I knew in retrospect; is don't be so hard on yourself. It's a process. You're doing a better job than you think. That's really the first thing I would tell myself when I look back on who I was almost 18 years ago, in my first leadership job.
And here, I want to share an example of something that happened actually this weekend. So, I went salsa dancing with my love and some friends. I am getting better, which is awesome. But of course, I'm still comparing myself to all of those amazing dancers on the dance floor, right? One of my friends, actually is a really good dancer so I asked her, “How long have you been dancing” And she said, “You know what? I've been dancing for five years now.”
I realized; you know what? I've been dancing for five months, not for five years. So, often what happens, is we tend to compare ourselves as we are learning, as we are at the beginning of our leadership journey. We tend to compare ourselves to the leaders that we admire. We watch them and we see them being such good motivators, and they're good at engaging others. They're great at presenting, they’re great at delegating, they're good at influencing.
And then, we beat ourselves up, for those of us who are perfectionists, because we already want to be there. So again, it's a process. Right? You will get there, but you need to practice, it is a journey. You need to do it step by step.
What happened this weekend when we went dancing, is that my first dance was not great. I was beating myself up the whole time that I was dancing because I felt rusty, and I hadn’t danced salsa for a little while. And so, it might feel like that sometimes, too. Just when you feel that you're nailing a skill, you're going to be like, “Oh, wow, this is great.” But then, the skill that you learned right before that, maybe you're going to be a little rusty on, right?
So, maybe you just read a book on how to influence and you feel that you're pretty good at being able to ask your boss for what you want. But maybe that course that you took on delegation is a little bit far away, right? And so, you struggle when you go to delegate with an employee. Because you're like, “Oh, gosh, you know, what are the steps again? I don't remember them.” So, it's a process.
The second thing I wish I knew then, is there is no right way. There's only your way. Tap into your intuition; when something feels off, trust it and ask questions. I used to think that there was this one right way to lead and to be, really. I used to buy all these books and take all these classes, and ask all of these different people how I should do things.
And then I just kind of realized, as I went on my journey, that I did things my way. And the way that I showed up, was very different than the way that somebody else showed up. I had some colleagues who had very different strengths than me. And, that's completely fine.
I'm someone who has an approach that is very inspiring and motivating and engaging. And another leader will have an approach that is maybe more strategic, or maybe more detail oriented, a more project management type style. And that's completely fine. Right? There's no one right way to do things.
I wish I had known before, to really listen to myself and to what my gut was telling me. If I'm having a conversation with an employee and something feels off, then I need to ask them, “What's going on?” Listen to the nonverbal cues that other people are giving you. Listen to your body; I would probably have used my body more than my head, right? We get all up in our heads.
Notice what the sensations in your body are. Are you starting to feel anxious? How does that show up in your body? Do you feel the other person's lying to you? If so, ask them questions.
It's just really tapping into what you're feeling. And just noticing if something feels off to you.
The other thing is, having conversations is an art, it's not a science. And really, the only way to get better at them is to have them, and like any skill, mastery comes with time. Practice saying the hard things and speak from your heart. The words will come.
You can't control the other person's reaction. You just need to leave space for it to be there. And often, we look for the right thing to say, but really, the only right thing to say, is say how you feel. For example, I once had a conversation with an employee who had been underperforming for a little while.
I started the conversation by saying, “You know what? I don't recognize you. What's going on?” And that was honest; that was me speaking from the heart, right? It was not me speaking from this manual of best practice of things to say to someone who's underperforming. It was me having a conversation with the individual in front of me.
What I've realized also, is you never really know how the other person is going to react. At one point in my career, I let go of many people in a transition. When I was in HR, I was managing mergers and acquisitions, and we were letting go of a lot of people because some positions were redundant.
I remember thinking, I was in the conversation with the leader, I was the HR representative, and I remember thinking that some employees that had been there for a while would be upset; they would be angry, they would maybe cry. And some of those individuals did have those reactions, and others were really zen about it. They were like, “Okay, show me my package.”
Some of those people wanted to leave for a while, the company, and they weren't taking the plunge, and so it gave them the opportunity to do what they wanted. And other people, who I thought might not have much of a reaction, actually did have an important reaction. They're the ones who got upset, screamed, and cried, when I wasn't expecting them to.
You never really know how people will react. I've had performance conversations with people who reacted really well and were like, “You know what? Yeah, I know. Thanks for telling me and I knew something was off, but I, couldn't put my finger on it.”
And other people will get really defensive from the get-go, right? That's completely normal, you can't manage their reaction. Their reaction is their reaction. Now, you can help them with it. You can be empathetic towards it. But know, that you need to leave space for it to be there. If the person's angry, let the anger be there. If the person is sad, let the sadness be there. Often what tends to happen, is we want to cover that reaction up. We don't want it to be there. And so, that's what becomes really uncomfortable.
Now, the other thing that I would have wanted to know, is master what you're good at and delegate the rest. Like, right now, be honest with yourself and others about what you can and can't do. Be vulnerable and ask for help. Don't try to be everything for everyone.
I think that's one thing that I learned, really with time. Probably as I was doing psychological leadership assessments at the beginning. I was assessing leaders; looking at what their strengths are. I was looking at what the gaps were based on certain competencies for the position. Based on what the organization was looking for.
If they were looking for a leader who was, for example, very methodical, very precise. Or, if they were looking for someone who was more strategic, big picture, or someone who's more creative. right. So, I would assess those competencies. And I feel, that that lens of always looking for the strengths and the gaps, created that within me; where I was always trying to adjust.
I knew exactly where I “fell short”, because we never really fall short. But I could see where the gaps were. And I was always trying to fill those gaps and get better at what I wasn't great at. But that takes a lot of energy.
And I realized; you know what? I'm an Achiever. I'm someone who has a bias for action. I'm great at getting things done. And I'm a Catalyst, I make things happen. I'm someone who's engaging. I'm great at energizing others. I'm great at motivating them to accomplish their goals. I'm a good presenter. I strive for excellence.
Now, I am not great with details and processes. I'm someone who has skipped steps, I forget things. And so, for years, I tried to get better at those things, and it was exhausting. So, I just realized; you know what? I need to find people in my team who are great at that. They will pick up on the details that I miss. They will pick up on the steps of the process that I haven't thought through. It is not a problem that I forget things, as long as someone picks it up at some point. Okay?
The last thing I want to say is, it's all about relationships. And I would give myself the advice: Spend less time developing your expertise and more time building, nurturing, and leveraging mutually beneficial relationships. I would tell myself, “You're going to get jobs, opportunities, and answers from your network; use it.”
When we look at research, we see that women tend to have more friends at work than men, on average. Whereas men tend to have more of a ‘scratch my back, I'll scratch yours’ type of relationship. And hey, guess what? This is not the only reason why, but men tend to advance a lot more than women, and a lot faster.
We've talked a lot about the patriarchy in the first few examples, and how the patriarchy holds us back, and how we ourselves hold ourselves back in consequence. But also, what I've seen in my own experience, in the research, is that relationships will help you advance your career.
Personal example here: I moved from Montreal to Toronto, in Canada. I was looking for a job when I got to Toronto. I knew five people. Now, this is a city of a few million individuals and I knew only five people, and had to find a job. What I did, is I leveraged those five people that I knew, and I went for lunch or coffee with them, one at a time. And out of those five relationships, I actually found a really good job.
It was actually the last job that I left; my last corporate job. And so, knowing only a handful of people enabled me to get an amazing job because I had built those relationships over time. I was able to come to a point where we had leveraged those relationships kind of back and forth. And I was able to leverage it in order to get a job.
And so, this week, what I would encourage you to do; a few things here. First of all, I'm going to suggest some experiences that you can do. This is from the book, The Artist's Way. I found these experiences to be super insightful, so I recommend them. And then, there's going to be a couple of things at the end, as well.
The first one is, describe yourself at 80. Be specific. What are you doing? What do you look like? Who are you with? What is your life like? Now, write a letter from yourself at 80, to you at your current age. What advice would you give yourself?
When I did this exercise, what I came up with is something like: Relax. Enjoy the process. There is no rush to get to the destination. Learn as much as you can along the way. Enjoy every minute of your life. Whatever you're struggling with now, you'll get past it; you’re strong. You only have one life, live yours. Tap into the part of yourself that you're scared of and let her lead the way; you'll be surprised by what you find. Get out of your head, and be more in your body.
Now, the second activity, is to remember yourself at eight years old. What did you like to do? What were your favorite things? Write a letter from yourself at eight, to yourself at your current age. What advice would you give yourself?
And again, just as an example, this is what mine looks like. This is quite eye opening if you actually do these exercises, because we tend to not look at perspectives from the future or from the past.
So, my letter to myself sounded something like this: You're a master of transformation. And when you set a goal, you don't give up. You'll go from being the shyest kid in class, to walking on a stage in front of 150 people, many times, and loving it. You'll go from avoiding any type of conflict to becoming really comfortable leading difficult conversations. You'll go from the last picked in team sports to teaching yoga at 42. And being the top one or two people, most weeks, in your CrossFit class at 48 years old.
And here, I want to quote Bev Aron, one of my coaches. “Discomfort is the currency of your dreams.” I have transformed quite a bit, in all areas of my life. My eight-year-old self would not recognize myself 40 years later. And I have to say that one of the reasons for that is because I was so willing to be comfortable in discomfort. To grow past who I was to become who I am now.
Now, how about you? What advice would you give your younger self? And you might want to ask someone who was an inspiration for you, what their advice to their younger self is. That's what I have for you this week, ladies.
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